TDG Apoptosis

The Ressurection of TDG Apoptosis Blog!

2011-08-27T21:15:00.000-05:00

Wow... It's been quite some time since I've updated here. That's because life, of course, has a way of getting in the way of things like blogging. So, let's see... There have been lots of happenings, most of which have kept me from meeting my goals, but things have continued to progress, albeit slowly.

The first major update is that I've finally graduated with my BS in Biology! I finished my coursework in May, but didn't graduate until August because of a financial aid snafu. BUT, i'm DONE! Finally!

I also managed to get all my stuff in for grad school, though I had an issue getting the professor i've worked with for the last 4 years to even answer an email. I literally didn't hear from him for the entire summer. We spoke the week before spring finals, but despite repeated emails, I never got in touch with him regarding grad school OR finishing my research. So that means I haven't been published yet, but more importantly, it meant that I had to scramble to find another major professor literally 2 days before school started. It ended up working out, and I've got a project that I think will be really really interesting, but it was SO stressful.

So i ended up being able to register the DAY before school started. I had already lined up my usual job as a Supplemental Instructor for freshman bio, so i wasn't TOO worried about funding, but i had a TA position literally dropped into my lap thanks to the quick response of my new major professor. And that's great because it includes a stipend that's more than i've made in many years, as well as medical insurance and vision insurance. This is SOOOO good! At least i won't have to worry if something happens and i need to go to the doctor. I don't think i can add livvy though, because it's Blue Cross insurance, and i think they don't cover partners. I'll definitely have to look it up.

Other good things -- I love my classes so far, i have an actual office! I FINALLY have keys to my building, which is great -- I've been trying to get keys to that building for four years, and now all i had to do was sign the key requisition form. My new major professor made sure I have everything i need and i have only been in his lab and research group, literally, since Monday. I didn't expect that at all.

Other stressful things -- my financial aid hasn't shown up yet. It's pending, and i'll get a significant refund, but it hasn't disbursed, and I have bills coming up next week that include rent. When i asked them over at the finaid office, they said it could come any time in the next two weeks, so i'm a little nervous. I can't even buy books right now because i have, quite literally, $1 in my checking account and $7 in cash. My two seminar courses will be fine, because they put the articles we need to read up online before class, but my two lecture courses both have textbooks that i need. I've sent out emails to see if i can borrow the texts for now, and i know I'll be able to get the books, but i'm SO not used to starting school without even money to buy pens and notebooks. It puts me in a precarious place mentally. The other thing that's kinda stressful is that the course i'm TAing is one that I didn't do terribly well in (I got a B), and since it's my first time TAing, I have to attend an earlier section of the class to watch an experienced TA teach it. I have teaching experience, so that doesn't intimidate me; i'm just worried about reviewing the concepts. I'm sure i'll be fine, but it's just a little nerve wracking right now. The last thing that's stressing me out is that I will probably have to quite suddenly leave my previous job because the grad school is in charge of the TA positions now and the department thinks that working at another hourly position is a conflict of interest. At least, that's what we're assuming for now. I haven't heard back from the department yet.

SO. All in all though, I'm really excited. I actually get to do a conservation project!! And I'll be working with people who seem really excited to have me on their team. I think everything will work itself out -- everything fell into place so neatly that it will be fine. I am optimistic!

Updates Forthcoming

2010-09-02T07:52:00.002-05:00

Hello to my few readers!

I still have no home internet, which makes blogging next to impossible. HOWEVER, be looking for an update post in the fairly near future! (As soon as i get a chance in between school projects).

Sorry it's been so long, things have been utterly insane!

Songs for a Day

2010-04-04T17:27:00.002-05:00

Life After You

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know

Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wastin' my time

Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do, yeah

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through, yeah
Know there's no life after you

Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you, yeah

--Daughtry

Set The Fire To The Third Bar
(feat. Martha Wainwright)

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

-- Snow Patrol

Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call  but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I just need you now.

Oh baby I need you now.

-- Lady Antebellum

2010-03-06T21:05:00.002-06:00

Hey Soul Sister

Your lipstick stains
on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget ya, and so I went and let you blow my mind.

Your sweet moon-beam
the smell of you in every single dream I dream.
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided, who's one of my kind.

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight.

Just in time,
I´m so glad you have a one-track mind like me.
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection, we can't deny...

I´m so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest.
I believe in you, like a virgin you're Madonna,
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind...

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight,

Way you can cut a rug,
Watching you's the only drug I need.
So gangster, I'm so thug,
You're the only one I'm dreaming of you see.
I can be myself now finally,
In fact there's nothing I can't be,
I want the world to see you be, with me,

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight...

Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight.

--Train

Today Has Songs

2009-09-27T14:07:00.002-05:00

Black Balloon

Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you're not thinking about tomorrow
'Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees

A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon
That was your womb

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer

You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallowed the light from the sun
Inside your room

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer

And there's no time left for losin'
When you stand they fall

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder

All because I'm
Comin' down the years turn over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go and lead you home and
All because I'm
All because I'm
And I'll become
What you became to me

--Goo Goo Dolls

Ghost

Lately I’ve been thinking
Lately I’ve been dreaming with you
I'm so resistant to this type of thinking
Oh, now it’s shining through
I was alone for the last time
Before my night’s vacation with you
Alive from the first
Now I’m denied by the ghost of you

You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me
Please

I know there’s little use in crying
It’s more wide awake and dying then I'm used to
I thought we’d walk these streets together
Now I’m hoping that I’ll never have to meet you
Step aside from all this anger
And somewhere in between I can feel you
Ask me should we try again
I’m thinking no
Y’know, it’s not what I believe in
It’s not what I believe in

You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me
Please
You make yourself a photograph and laugh at me
Please

No I, wanna taste you, love
no I...no I
no I, just wanna taste you, love

Standing in your shoes
I turn and now
You’re standing bare in my doorway
I only wish that I had been prepared
I’m gonna have to go along with your way
Just take the plastic camera out
It’s the pants you borrowed in the driveway
Alive from the first
Now I’m denied by the ghost of you

Make yourself a photograph and laugh at me
Please
You make yourself a photograph and laugh at me
Please

No I, wanna taste of love
No I...

I was alive from the first
now I’m denied by the ghost of you

--Howie Day

Make This Go On Forever

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I Keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

--Snow Patrol

Today Has Songs!

2009-09-24T07:24:00.003-05:00

Something Pretty

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

-- Patrick Park

Out Is Through

Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable and I know

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked on toweling throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're still made of final bowing

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The tendency is picturing another place comforting to go and I know

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our hands in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start over again
With somebody else

Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
What formerly was treatment silent's now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you what I want most feels good and I know

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

--Alanis Morisette

A Sorta Fairytale

On my way up north
Up on the Ventura
I pulled back the hood
And I was talking to you
And I knew then it would be
A life long thing
But I didn't know that we
We could break a silver lining

And Im so sad
Like a good book
I cant put this
Day back
A sorta fairytale
With you
A sorta fairytale
With you

Things you said that day
Up on the 101
The girl had come undone
I tried to downplay it
With a bet about us
You said that-
You'd take it
As long as I could
I could not erase it

And I'm so sad
Like a good book
I cant put this
Day back
A sorta fairytale
With you
A sorta fairytale
With you

And I ride along side
And I rode along side
You then
And I rode along side
Till you lost me there
In the open road
And I rode along side
Till the honey spread
Itself so thin
For me to break your bread
For me to take your word
I had to steal it

And I'm so sad
Like a good book
I cant put this
Day back
A sorta fairytale
With you
A sorta fairytale
With you

I could pick back up
Whenever I feel

Down New Mexico way
Something about
The open road
I knew that he was
Looking for some indian blood and
Find a little in you find a little
In me we may be
On this road but
We're just
Imposters
In this country you know
So we go along and we said
We'd fake it
Feel better with
Oliver stone
Till I
Almost smacked him -
Seemed right that night and
I don't know what
Takes hold
Out there in the
Desert cold
These guys think they must
Try and just get over on us

And I'm so sad
Like a good book
I can't put this
Day back
A sorta fairytale
With you
A sorta fairytale
With you

And I was ridin' by
Ridin' along side
For a while till you lost me
And I was ridin' by
Ridin' along till you lost me
Till you lost
Me in
The rear
View
You lost me
I said

Way up north I took my day
All in all was a pretty nice
Day and I put the hood
Right back where
You could taste heaven
Perfectly
Feel out the summer breeze
Didn't know when we'd be back
And I i don't
Didn't think
We'd end up like
Like this

--Tori Amos

Today Has Songs ... and a little content..

2009-08-04T10:33:00.002-05:00

What an interesting last few weeks! I had a wonderful birthday... 30 doesn't really feel any different than 29 did, but hell, it's a milestone, right? I just want to thank all the people in my life for being there and being my friends. I love all of you.

Sweet The Sting

With a Strut into the room
With his hat cocked so defiantly he said
"I - I have heard that you can
Play the way I like it to be played."
I said, "I can play, any way that you want.
But first I want, I want to know

Baby is it sweet sweet
Sweet the sting
Is it real this infusion
Can it heal where others before have failed?
If so then somebody
Shake shake shake me sane
'cause I am inching ever closer to the tip of this scorpion's tail"

He said "I laid my weapons
down with my pistol
Fully loaded, a hunted man
To my root, will it end
Or begin in your cinnabar juice?"

Is it sweet sweet
Sweet the sting
Is it real this infusion
Can it heal where others before have failed?
If so then somebody
Shake shake shake me sane
'cause I am inching ever closer to the tip of this scorpion's tail"

Love let me breathe
Breathe you in
Melt the confusion
Until there is
Union...

-Tori Amos

You're All I Have

Strain This Chaos Turn It Into Light
I've Got To See You One Last Night
Before The Lions Take Their Share
Leave Us In Pieces, Scattered Everywhere

Just Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Just Give Me Something To Hold Onto

It's So Clear Now
That You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear Cos
You Are All That I Have
It's So Clear Now That
You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear Cos
You Are All That I Have

You're Cinematic Razor Sharp
A Welcome Arrow Through The Heart
Under Your Skin Feels Like Home
Electric Shocks On Aching Bones

Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Just Give Me Something To Hold Onto

It's So Clear Now
That You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear
Cos You Are All That I Have
It's So Clear Now
That You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear
Cos You Are All That I Have

There Is A Darkness Deep In You
A Frightening Magic I Cling To

Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Just Give Me Something To Hold Onto

It's So Clear Now
That You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear
Now You Are All That I Have
It's So Clear Now
That You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear Now
You Are All That I Have

--Snow Patrol

Wonderland

Take a piece of the sky
Make it rain cherry wine
Give her love give her life
Give her mine

She's a child young and willing
In a world that's unforgiving
That in time takes all the living
From your soul

I stand in the night with a silver sword
Killing her demons, beating 'em off her door
Sleep baby don't you cry
Daddy's got a worn-out lullaby
And I live forever dark, and damned
To see you spend one minute
In wonderland

She can run free forever
Still our blood runs us together
I'll be there if she runs home
For worse or better

I know you like Adam knew Eve
Every tear you cry is a tear that I will bleed
Sleep baby don't you cry
Daddy's got a worn-out lullaby
And I live forever dark, and damned
To see you spend one minute
In wonderland

--Angie Aparo

We're Not Letting This Go...

2009-07-15T09:18:00.006-05:00

I hope that most of my readers (if there are any of you left) have heard about the raid on the Rainbow Lounge in Fort Worth on June 28th. TABC Officers, assisted by Ft. Worth Police, brutalized 6 people in a supposed "site check" of the bar, which had only been open for ONE WEEK. One of those 6, Chad Gibson, was hospitalized because they bashed his head in. His skull was fractured and he had a subdural hematoma. Chad is a small person, he weighs less than 150 lbs. Yes, he was drunk, but eyewitnesses state that he was not combative or resisting when the officers came into the bar.

The irony of the situation? It happened forty years to the HOUR of Stonewall. That can not be a coincidence.

Fort Worth Police and the TABC have issued this statement about what happened; there is an "investigation" going on at the moment, and the TABC officers involved have been assigned desk duty while that happens. The Ft. Worth police department has suspended operations with the TABC until this is figured out. However, no answers have been forthcoming.

Lately, my lovely wife and I have been active with a group called QueerLiberaction. We attended a "Milk Box" forum (after Harvey Milk) on July 5th, and we attended the rally in Fort Worth on July 12th. There has been little to no local media coverage of these events. They have been peaceful, organized, and non-threatening. This video, made by a friend of ours, shows scenes from the rally and short "sound bites" from people who were there. Why isn't THIS being shown in the press?

Instead, what leads the online coverage today in the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram is this. Why is it that when we're doing our thing peacefully, we get no attention? There were three hundred people in Fort Worth on Sunday. We stopped traffic on Main Street when we marched to City Hall to post our demands on the doors. There has been NO mention of this in any of the local press, except for two small TV soundbites, one on ABC, the other on NBC. The Dallas Morning News and the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram have not covered this protest at all online. The few papers that have covered the story have relegated it to back pages and small blurbs. But as soon as we show up en masse at a Ft. Worth City Counsel meeting, THAT makes the news. When we get ejected from that meeting for voicing our concerns, THAT makes the news.

When does it stop? When do we get our say?

The reason that we're out there, rallying, marching, fighting for our civil rights is because we're tired of being treated like someone else's problem. We intend to get what has been promised to us since Stonewall, and what "normal" people have had seemingly forever. We deserve our Civil Rights. And we're not going to stop until we get them.

Today Has Songs!

2009-07-13T11:33:00.002-05:00

I heard this walking to the office this morning and it totally resonated.

School Night

She went over to his apartment
Clutching her decision
And he said, "did you come here to tell me goodbye?"
So she built a skyscraper of procrastination
And then she leaned out the twenty-fifth floor window
Of her reply
And she felt like an actress
Just reading her lines
When she finally said
"Yes. it's really goodbye this time."
And far below was the blacktop
And the tiny toy cars
And it all fell so fast
And it all fell so far

And she said:
"You are a miracle but that is not all
You are also a stiff drink and i am on call
You are a party and i am a school night
And i'm lookin' for my door key
But you are my porch light

And you'll never know, dear
Just how much i loved you
You'll probably think this was
Just my big excuse
But i stand committed
To a love that came before you
And the fact that i adore you
Is but one of my truths."

"What of the mother
Whose house is in flames
And both of her children
Are in their beds crying
And she loves them both
With the whole of her heart
But she knows she can only
Carry one at a time?
She's choking on the smoke
Of unthinkable choices
She is haunted by the voices
Of so many desires
She's bent over from the business
Of begging forgiveness
While frantically running around
Putting out fires"

"But then what kind of scale
Compares the weight of two beauties
The gravity of duties
Or the ground speed of joy?
Tell me what kind of gauge
Can quantify elation?
What kind of equation
Could i possibly employ?
And you'll never know, dear
Just how much i loved you
You probably think this was
Just my big excuse
But i stand committed
To a love that came before you
And the fact that i adore you
Is just one of my truths"

"so i
i'm goin' home
to please the one i so love pleasing
and i don't expect
he'll have much sympathy for my grieving
but i guess that this is the price
that we pay for the privilege
of living for even a day
in a world with so many things
worth believing
in."

--Ani DiFranco

Collide

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you, yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find you and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find you and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find you and I collide

You finally find you and I collide
You finally find you and I collide

-- Howie Day

Time After Time

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after

Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said
Then you say go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows you're wondering
If I'm ok
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

You said go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

Time after time
Time after time
Time after time

-- Cyndi Lauper (covered by Rob Thomas)

Today Has Songs

2009-07-04T12:38:00.002-05:00

Trouble

Oh no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
Oh no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no, I see,
A spider web and its me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in my little bubble,
Singing

I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

-- Coldplay

Over You

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming;
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces,
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure;
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

--Daughtry

How to Save a Life

Step one, you say "we need to talk,"
He walks; you say "sit down it's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you;
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And I pray to God he hears you
And I pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
You will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

--The Fray

Today Has Songs

2009-06-24T12:14:00.003-05:00

Today's songs are up and down, which is how i've felt lately... but I'm feeling much better about things and have made some decisions which will help me to move forward!

Hemorrhage In My Hands

Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters 'till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was there something you left behind?
Don't you remember anything I said when I said

Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding

Oh hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you've left to go?
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries

Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding

And I wanted
You turned away
You don't remember, but I do
You never even tried

Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding

--Fuel

Lately

That the sky would lift
That I'd find my place
That I'd see your face in the door
And the sun would glint
An a time well spent
An a time that ain't no more

Taste the broken hearts
In the vacant lots
See the fruit that rots on the trees
Try to turn my head
Leave it all for dead
But it's in my mind always

Honey lately I've been way down
A load on my mind
Honey lately I've been way down
Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go
Darling I'm damned if i know
I seen that look in your eye
No-one ever gave it a chance
I could have said in advance
You saw it all at a glance
And goodbye

Drag a salted kiss
From this cup of bliss
Watch a new lie twist on the breeze

You can paint it red
Leave it all for dead
But it's in my head always

Honey lately I've been way down
A load on my mind
Honey lately I've been way down
Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go
Darling I'm damned if i know
I seen that look in your eye
No-one ever gave it a chance
I could have said in advance
You saw it all at a glance
And goodbye

Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

Honey lately i've been way down
Honey lately i've been way down
Honey lately i've been way down
Honey lately i've been way down
Lately
Lately

--David Gray

Language or the Kiss

I don't know if it was real or in a dream
Lately waking up I'm not sure where I've been
There was a table set for six and five were there
I stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair
And there was steam on the windows from the kitchen
Laughter like a language I once spoke with ease
But I'm made mute by the virtue of decision
And I choose most of your life goes on without me
Oh the fear I've known
That I might reap the praise of strangers
And end up on my own
All I've sown was a song
But maybe I was wrong

I said to you the one gift which I'd adore
The package of the next 10 years unfolding
But you told me if I had my way I'd be bored
Right then I knew I loved you best born of your scolding
When we last talked we were lying on our backs
Looking at the sky through the ceiling
I used to lie like that alone out on the driveway
Trying to read the greek upon the stars
The alphabet of feeling
Oh I knew back then
It was a calling that said if joy then pain
The sound of the voice these years later
Is still the same

I am alone in a hotel room tonight
I squeeze the sky out but there's not a star appears
Begin my studies with this paper and this pencil
And I'm working through the grammar of my fears
Oh mercy what I won't give
To have the things that mean the most
Not to mean the things I miss
Unforgiving the choice still is
The language or the kiss

--Indigo Girls

Today Has Songs....

2009-06-14T15:00:00.004-05:00

... I'm starting to feel a little better, so today has some different songs:

Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

-- Snow Patrol

The Other Side

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
See you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is

Another mirage folds
Into the haze of time recalled
And now the floodgates cannot hold
All my sorrow all my rage
A teardrop falls on every page

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side

Maybe I oughta mention
Was never my intention
To harm you or your kin
Are you so scared to look within
The ghosts are crawling on our skin
We may race and we may run
We'll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when its gone

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

I know it would be outrageous
To come on all courageous
And offer you my hand
To pull you up on to dry land
When all I got is sinking sand

The trick ain't worth the time it buys
I'm sick of hearing my own lies

And love's a raven when it flies

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is...

Send "The Other Side" Ringtone to Cell Phone

--David Gray

Mercury

She is trapped inside a month of gray
And they take a little every day
She is a victim of her own responses
Shackled to a heart that wants to settle
And then runs away

Its a sin to be fading endlessly
Yeah, but she's all right with me

She is leaving on a walkaway
She is leaving me in disarray
In the absence of a place to be
She stands there looking back at me
Hesitates, and then turns away

She'll change so suddenly
She's just like mercury
Yeah, but she's all right with me

Keep some sorrow in your hearts and minds
For the things that die before their time
For the restlessly abandoned homes
The tired and weary ramblers' bones
And stay beside me where I lie

She's entwined in me
Crazy as can be
Yeah, but she's all right with me

Send "Mercury" Ringtone to Cell Phone

-- Counting Crows

Today Has Songs....

2009-06-11T18:19:00.004-05:00

... all from Afterglow, which is about where i'm at right now.

Time

time here
all but means nothing
just shadows that move 'cross the wall
they keep me company
but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothin' at all

i need just a little more silence,
i need just a little more time...

you send your thieves to me
silently stalking me
dragging me into your war
would you give me no choice in this?
i know you can't resist
trying to reopen a sore

so leave me be,
i don't want to argue
i'd just get confused and i'd come all undone
if i agree, well its just to appease you
'cause i don't remember what we're fighting for

you see love
a tight thorny thread that you spin in a circle of gold
to have me to hold me
a token for all to see
captured to be yours alone

i need just a little more silence,
yeah i need just a little more time

for courage to pull away
there will be hell to pay
deeper you cut the bone

so leave me be,
i don't want to argue
i'd just get confused and i'd come all undone
if i agree, well its just to appease you
'cause i don't remember what we're fighting for

time here
all but means nothing
just shadows that move 'cross the wall
they keep me company
but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothin' at all

so leave me be,
i don't want to argue
i'd just get confused and i'd come all undone
if i agree, well its just to appease you
'cause i don't remember what we're fighting for

--Sarah McLachlan

Fallen

Heaven bend to take my hand
Lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear --

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

We all began with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our backs the burdens
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I held so dear --

I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
Lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so
Oh
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

--Sarah McLachlan

Dirty Little Secret

If i had the chance love
i would not hesitate
to tell you all things i never said before
don't tell me its too late
'Cause i've relied on my illusions
to keep me warm at night
and i denied in my capacity to love
that i am willing to give up this fight

been up all night drinking
to drown my sorrows down
but nothing seems to help me since you went away
i'm so tired of this town
where every tongue is wagging
when every back is turned
they're telling secrets that should never be revealed
there's nothing to be gained from this but disaster

here's a good one
did you hear about my friend
he's embarrassed to be seen now
'cause we all know his sins

If i had the chance love
you know i would not hesitate
to tell you all the things i never said before
don't tell me its too late
'cause i've relied on my illusions
to keep me warm at night
and i denied in my capacity to love
but i am willing to give up this fight
oh i am willing to give up this fight

--Sarah McLachlan

Today Has Songs

2009-05-31T13:55:00.002-05:00

The Space Between

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I've got all the time for you, love

The space between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain
Will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today?
We waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild-eyed beast you be
The space between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold you...

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a rollercoaster
You know you went off like the devil in a church
In the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The space between where you smile and hide
Where you'll find me if I get to go
The space between, the bullets in our fire fight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room
The space between
Our wicked lies is
Where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause were walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need dear
The space between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The space between
Your heart and mine
Is a space we'll fill with time
The space between...

--Dave Matthews Band

Run

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak and understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak and understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easy way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound be afraid
Even if its just for a few days
Making up for all that's less

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

--Snow Patrol

Skinny Love

C'mon skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

C'mon skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brazziere

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?  
Who will fall far behind?

--Bon Iver

ZOMG! CUTE!!

2009-05-29T14:18:00.001-05:00

SNORGLE!!!!!

baby crocodiles should NOT be this cute.... but... I just want to eat them up. *makes happy noises*

A Blog Post With CONTENT?! You HAVE to be kidding...

2009-05-26T19:49:00.003-05:00

Ah but i'm not! my two loyal followers, never fear! I'm actually going to post something with content instead of just song lyrics. Now that's not to say that some song lyrics might not make it into this blog post, but let's just wait and see what happens.

so i want to apologize for the lack of updates lately. I know that song lyrics are great and are probably the best way to get a quick look at what's going on in the mind of the TDG, but you know, its not always enough.

In the last six months, I've realized that there are probably 5 people in this world who love me unconditionally. I'm fortunate enough to have five people... five... so many people don't even have one, and that's such a huge thing. I want to thank you guys; you are amazing. *looks very pointedly at the people this is addressed to* Yes, you. You are amazing, and I adore you. I am blessed every moment I spend with you.

Thank you. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for doing what you do. Thank you for loving me, because I know it's not easy, and I know the situation isn't easy. Thank you for letting me be who I am and follow my dreams and desires.

I love you. I will love you to the ends of the earth and back.

Thank you. From all that I am. Thank you.

Today Has Songs

2009-05-08T19:14:00.003-05:00

Wait

Under a blackened sky
Far beyond the glaring streetlights
Sleeping on empty dreams
The vultures lie in wait
You lay down beside me then
You were with me every waking hour
So close I could feel your breath

When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The new born hope unjaded by their years

Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
But to be consumed again
Oh I know would be the death of me
And there is a love that's inherently given
A kind of blindness offered to appease
And in that light of forbidden joy
Oh I know I won't receive it

When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The newborn hope unjaded by their years

You know if I leave you now
It doesn't mean that I love you any less
Its just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this

When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The new born hope unjaded by their years...

--Sarah McLachlan

Devotion

I pulled out with the mountain laurel blooming
On a dirt road that is soon to be paved
Down to the site of my original establishment
And the west end family grave

Cause one day moves into two
And I'm losing
Everything except for you
And I would sing you a song of devotion
Yeah that's what I should do

Blood runs thick and when it rains it pours down
On the family tree
on the fields of war
I spend my time being broken hearted and grieving bound
Yeah I haven't much need to look forward

I just let a one day move into two
I'm losing
Everything except for you
I would sing you a song of devotion

Book of days
The way things lay
That's just space and time
I gave it up
All for a love
That won't be defined

I've had enough temporary acquisition
Building fences for no gain
Taking dead trees down
before the winter freeze I said
Let 'em rot, and fall where they may.

Just let one day move into two
I'm losing
Everything except for you
Ah yeah
I would sing you a song of devotion
That's what I should do

It's the book of days
It's the way things lay
Now that's just space and time
I gave it up
All for your love

Thats what I should do

That's what I should do

Yeah
That's what I should do

--Indigo Girls (Amy Ray)

Romeo & Juliet

A love struck romeo
Sings the streets a serenade
Now he's laying everybody low
He's got a love song that he made
He finds a streetlight
And he steps out of the shade
And says something like
You and me, babe, how about it?

Juliet says hey, it's Romeo!
You nearly give me a heart attack!
Yeah well, he's underneath the window
Now she's singing hey-la, my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here
Singing up at people like that
Ah anyway, whatcha gonna do about it?

Juliet
The dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded into my heart
And I forget, I forget the movie song
When you gonna realize
It was just that the time was wrong
Julie

We both come up on different streets
And they both were streets of shame
You know they're both dirty, both mean
Yes and the dreams were the same
And I dreamed your dream for you
And now your dream is real
So tell me honey
Now how can you look at me
As if I was just another one of your deals

Now you can fall for chains of silver
And you can fall for chains of gold
You know you fall for pretty strangers
And the promises they hold
Well you promised me everything
And then you promised me thick and thin
Now you just turn away and say
Romeo, I think I used to have a scene with him.

Ah juliet
When we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above
Gonna love you 'till I die
There's a place for us
I know you know this song
Now when you gonna realize
It was just that the time was wrong
Julie

But I can't do the talks like they talk on my tv screen
I can't do a love song not the way you sang them to me
I can't do everything but I would do anything for you
Oh no I can't do anything except be in love with you

Yeah now and all I do is miss you
And the way it used to be you know
And all I do is keep the beat
I keep bad, bad company
And all I do is kiss you
Through the bars of a rhyme
When julie I'd do the stars with you
Anytime

Ah juliet
When we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above
I'm gonna love you till I die
There's a place for us
I know you know the movie song
One day we're gonna realize
It was just that the time was wrong
Julie
Julie
Julie

Now this love struck romeo
He sings the streets a serenade
Now he's laying everybody low
He's got a love song he made
He finds a convenient streetlight
And he'll step out of the shade
And hel'l say something like
You and me, babe, how bout it?

--Indigo Girls (covering Dire Straits)

Today Has Songs

2009-05-06T16:29:00.002-05:00

Wherever You Will Go

so lately,
been wondering
who will be there to take my place
When i'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face

If the great wave shall fall
It'd fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If i could, then i would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, i'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days

If the great wave shall fall
It'd fall upon as all
Well i hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If i could, then i would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

If i could, then i would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

If i could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If i could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

--The Calling

One Thing

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line

It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

--Finger 11

The One I Love

Gonna close my eyes
Girl and watch you go
Running through this life darling
Like a field of snow

As the tracer glides
In its graceful arc
Send a little prayer out to ya
'cross the falling dark

Tell the repo man
And the stars above
You're the one I love

Perfect summers night
Not a wind that breathes
Just the bullets whispering gentle
'mongst the new green leaves

There's things I might have said
Only wish I could
Now I'm leaking life faster
Then I'm leaking blood

Tell the repo man
And the stars above
You're the one I love
You're the one I love
The one I love

Don't see Elysium
Don't see no fiery hell
Just the lights up bright baby
In the bay hotel

Next wave coming in
Like an ocean roar
Won't you take my hand darling
On that old dance floor

We can twist and shout
Do the turtle dove
And you're the one I love
You're the one I love
The one I love

--David Gray

Today Has Songs

2009-04-19T20:29:00.002-05:00

This one's for the past... you know who you are, and you know what you did. It's your karma. You have to live with it. I am strong, stronger than you, and I will make it through this like I made it through everything else.

Because of You

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to depend on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
Because of you
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you

-- Kelly Clarkson

This is for the better times... the times we have today. I love you and I cherish you.

I Could Not Ask For More

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see
The smile upon your face

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are
Is everything to me

These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments
I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments
I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments
I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

I could not ask for more than the love you give me
'Coz it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more

-- Edwin McCain

And this is for Right Now. This Minute. for Us.

Walk This World

I have slept beside the winter
And the green is growing slow
I have watched you find the places
Hidden by the snow
I have tripped into a valley
That is blue 'till you can see
I want you to come walk this world with me

With the light in our eyes its hard to see
Holding on and on to what we believe
I'm not touched but I'm aching to be
I want you to come walk this world with me.

And I'm sucked in by the wonder
And I'm fucked up by the lies
And I dig a hole to lie in
And I build some wings to fly
And I think that I could love you
Cause you know how to be free
I want you to come walk this world with me.

With the light in our eyes it's hard to see
Holding on and on 'till we believe
With the light in our eyes it's hard to see
I'm not touched but I'm aching to be
I want you to come, I want you to come
I want you to come walk this world with me.

And it's burning in our fingers
And it's burning on the road
And I like the way you're broken
And I'll like you when you're old
And I see you in the garden
And I feel you plant the seed
I want you to come walk this world with me.

With the light in our eyes it's hard to see
Holding on and on 'till we believe
With the light in our eyes it's hard to see
I'm not touched but I'm aching to be
I want you to come, I want you to come
I want you to come walk this world with me.

--Heather Nova

Today Has Songs!

2009-04-15T16:12:00.002-05:00

Huzzah!

She Will Be Loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen She
had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window
Knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

Its not always rainbows and butterflies
Its compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye
Means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

--Maroon 5

Spoon

Spoon in spoon,
Stiring my coffee and
I think of you
And turn to the gate
But on my way
Came up with the answers
Scratched my head
And the answers were gone

From hand to hand
Wrists to the elbow red
Blood, sand
Could dad be god?
Crosses cross
Hung out like a wet rag
Forgive you why
You hung me out to dry

Maybe I'm a little crazy
But laughing out loud
Makes it all pass by
Maybe you're a little crazy
But laughing out loud
Makes it all subside

Holding, I'm holding
Falling, I'm still falling

Spoon in spoon
Stirring my coffee
I think of this
And turn to the gate
But on my way crack
Lightening and thunder
Hid my head
And the storm slipped away

Maybe I'm a little crazy
But laughing out loud
Makes it all pass by
Maybe you're a little crazy
But laughing out loud
Makes it all all right
Laughing out loud

(alanis)

From time to time
Minutes and hours
Some move ahead
While some lag behind
Like the balloon
that rise and then vanish
This drop of hope
That falls from his eye

(dave)

Spoon in spoon
Stirring my coffee
I think of this
And turn to go away
But as I walk
The voices behind me say
Sinners sin
Come now and play

Laughing out loud
Come now and play.
-- Dave Matthews Band

Breathe You In

The sound of beating hearts so anxious
A sacred rhythm pulsing with desire
The time we spend alone, it saves us
The things we learn in solitude inspire
Its good to love for love is hard to find
But to love is realized

I can breathe you in
I can taste every moment
And the world in your patient eyes
It will wait 'til we have arrived
I'm so alive
And I breathe you in

I'm breathing in your touch so reckless
I'm breathing in the words
that slip softly from your
fingertips
The one you've blessed is all but helpless
The largest lesson given will impower
Its good to love for love is hard to touch
If this life is large enough

I can breathe you in
I can taste every moment
And the world in your patient eyes
It will wait til we have arrived
I'm so alive
And I breathe you in

Your scent on my pillow
Is enough to get me through
But there's so much more to
learn apart from you
Our time in a bottle
Would be wasted if it were used
When there's so much left for love to prove

So I breathe you in
I can taste every moment
And the world in your patient eyes
It will wait til we have arrived
I'm so alive
And I breathe you in

-- David Mead

The Soundtrack of My Life

2009-04-05T14:19:00.002-05:00

In no particular order, thanks to the shuffle function on iTunes, here are the 282 songs of my life:

1. Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) -- Vertical Horizon
2. Lonely No More -- Rob Thomas
3. Blame it On Me -- Barenaked Ladies
4. The Song that Jane Likes -- Dave Matthews Band
5. Hallelujah -- Jeff Buckley
6. Dreaming -- BT
7. Robert Bradley's Postcard -- David Mead
8. 3 x 5 -- John Mayer
9. Love Song for a Vampire -- Annie Lennox
10. Please Remember Me -- Tim McGraw
11. Love Soon -- John Mayer
12. Rain King -- Counting Crows
13. Something More -- Train
14. Lover Lay Down -- Dave Matthews Band
15. If You Could Only See -- Tonic
16. Snow on the Sahara -- Anggun
17. World on Fire -- Sarah McLachlan
18. Home Again -- Hootie & the Blowfish
19. Breathe You In -- David Mead
20. I Wanna Hold Your Hand -- T.V. Carpio (From Across the Universe)
21. Comfortable -- John Mayer
22. Ghost Story -- Sting
23. The One I Love -- David Gray
24. Babylon -- David Gray
25. Anyone Else but You -- The Moldy Peaches
26. We're Only Love -- Counting Crows
27. The Dance -- Garth Brooks
28. Wonderland -- Angie Aparo
29. Every Little Thing She Does is Magic -- The Police
30. Blind -- Train
31. Terra Firma (Lara's Mix) --Delirium
32. Family Portrait -- Pink
33. Damn, Sam (I Love a Woman that Rains) -- Ryan Adams
34. Etienne Trilogy -- Tori Amos (Y Kant Tori Read)
35. Morning After -- Howie Day
36. I Alone -- Live
37. Get This Party Started -- Pink
38. Rocketship -- Guster
39. Little Wonders -- Rob Thomas
40. Feelin' Way too Damn Good -- Nickelback
41. Just Like a Pill -- Pink
42. Cross My Heart -- George Strait
43. Building Steam with a Grain of Salt -- DJ Shadow
44. Forever -- Ben Harper
45. Angels Would Fall -- Melissa Etheridge
46. Truth and Bone -- Heather Nova
47. Angels of the Silences -- Counting Crows
48. Breakdown -- Melissa Etheridge
49. Mrs. Potter's Lullaby -- Counting Crows
50. Accidentally in Love -- Counting Crows
51. Ghost -- Indigo Girls
52. One Thing -- Finger Eleven
53. Warehouse -- Dave Matthews Band
54. Sorry I Am -- Ani DiFranco
55. Stronger than Me -- Melissa Etheridge
56. St. Robinson in His Cadillac Dreams -- Counting Crows
57. My Skin -- Natalie Merchant
58. Jealousy -- Natalie Merchant
59. Crawling in the Dark -- Hoobastank
60. Become You -- Indigo Girls
61. You're a God -- Vertical Horizon
62. Crush -- Dave Matthews Band
63. Crazy for this Girl -- Evan & Jarron
64. Just to See You Smile -- Tim McGraw
65. Einstein on the Beach -- Counting Crows
66. Parachute -- Guster
67. Freedom -- David Gray
68. Run Baby Run -- Sheryl Crow
69. Wait -- Sarah McLachlan
70. A Long December -- Counting Crows
71. Great Indoors -- John Mayer
72. Gravel -- Ani DiFranco
73. You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This -- Toby Kieth
74. Tangerine -- Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds
75. Finding Me -- Vertical Horizon
76. Rosalie Come and Go -- Ryan Adams
77. Unbroken -- Tim McGraw
78. Romeo & Juliet -- Indigo Girls
79. Turn My Head -- Live
80. Touch of Mascara -- David Mead
81. Anna Begins -- Counting Crows
82. Collide -- Howie Day
83. Dead Man's Hill -- Indigo Girls
84. What You Wish For -- Guster
85. I'll Back You Up -- Dave Matthews (solo)
86. Closer to Fine -- Indigo Girls
87. Answer -- Sarah McLachlan
88. Window -- Guster
89. Hero -- Chad Kroeger & Josey Scott
90. Almost Goodbye -- Mark Chestnutt
91. Shame -- BT
92. The Child is Gone -- Fiona Apple
93. Silent all These Years -- Tori Amos (Intro Leonard Cohen)
94. Wide Open Spaces -- Dixie Chicks
95. Come Away With Me -- Norah Jones
96. Goodnight Elizabeth -- Counting Crows
97. These are the Moments -- Edwin McCain
98. For the Longest Time -- Billy Joel
99. Leather -- Tori Amos
100. Hemorrhage in my Hands -- Fuel

101. ... On the Radio (Remember the Days) -- Nelly Furtado
102. My December -- Linkin Park
103. Typical Situation -- Dave Matthews Band
104. When the Stars Go Blue -- Ryan Adams
105. Drops of Jupiter -- Train
106. Please Forgive Me -- David Gray
107. Until I Fall Away -- Gin Blossoms
108. Mississippi -- Train
109. I'm Not Here for Your Entertainment -- Pink
110. Shadowboxer -- Fiona Apple
111. I Love You -- Sarah McLachlan
112. I Could Not Ask for More -- Edwin McCain
113. Let Go -- Frou Frou
114. Stigmatized -- The Calling
115. I Will Wait -- Hootie & the Blowfish
116. Home -- Cary Pierce
117. Daylight Fading -- Counting Crows
118. Devotion -- Indigo Girls
119. How to Save a Life -- The Fray
120. Shame -- Matchbox 20
121. Into the Night -- Carlos Santana with Chad Kroeger
122. Head Over Feet -- Alanis Morisette
123. Free in You -- Indigo Girls
124. Digging in the Dirt -- Peter Gabriel
125. Every Breath You Take -- The Police
126. Walk this World -- Heather Nova
127. Brick -- Ben Folds Five
128. China -- Tori Amos
129. If it isn't Her -- Ani DiFranco
130. Galileo -- Indigo Girls
131. #41 -- Dave Matthews Band
132. Selling the Drama -- Live
133. Your Body is a Wonderland -- John Mayer
134. Live Like You Were Dying -- Tim McGraw
135. Coming Up -- Ani DiFranco
136. She Will Be Loved -- Maroon 5
137. The Ballad of Hobby and the Piano -- Agents of Good Roots
138. Fields of Gold -- Sting
139. Send it Up -- Vertical Horizon
140. Anytime -- Brian McKnight
141. Virginia Woolf -- Indigo Girls
142. The Dreaming Tree -- Dave Matthews Band
143. All I Want is You -- Barry Lewis Polisar
144. Every Light in the House is On -- Trace Adkins
145. Shy -- Ani DiFranco
146. Slow Motion -- David Gray
147. Let Him Fly -- Dixie Chicks
148. The Other Side -- David Gray
149. Hallelujah -- Leonard Cohen
150. Heartbreak Town -- Dixie Chicks
151. Am I the Only One? -- Barenaked Ladies
152. Girl Like That -- Matchbox 20
153. Mona Lisa -- Guster
154. Cry Freedom -- Dave Matthews Band
155. Sullen Girl -- Fiona Apple
156. Another Horsedreamer's Blues -- Counting Crows
157. Had a Bad Day -- Fuel
158. Comfort -- David Mead
159. Medicine -- Guster
160. Bless the Broken Road -- Rascal Flatts
161. Witness -- Sarah McLachlan
162. Doubled Up -- Heather Nova
163. La Cieniga Just Smiled -- Ryan Adams
164. Broken -- Seether
165. If I Ever Lose My Faith in You -- Sting
166. Back to You -- John Mayer
167. Grin -- Guster
168. What's Going On Here -- Hootie & the Blowfish
169. Spoon -- Dave Matthews Band
170. Beautiful -- Angie Aparo
171. A Groovy Kind of Love -- Phil Collins
172. When We Dance -- Sting
173. Calling You -- Blue October
174. Bird on a Wire -- Leonard Cohen
175. New York, New York -- Ryan Adams
176. I Will Follow You Into the Dark -- Death Cab for Cutie
177. I Envy the Wind -- Lucinda Williams
178. Raven -- Dave Matthews Band
179. Satellite -- BT
180. Drift Off to Dream -- Travis Tritt
181. Alibi -- David Gray
182. If You Leave -- Train
183. Sweet the Sting -- Tori Amos
184. Could it be Any Harder? -- The Calling
185. Blackbird -- Evan Rachel Wood (Across the Universe)
186. Possession -- Sarah McLachlan
187. Foolish Games -- Jewel
188. While My Guitar Gently Weeps -- Martin Luther McCoy (Across the Universe)
189. Sail Away -- David Gray
190. Nightblindness -- David Gray
191. Flame Turns Blue -- David Gray
192. I'm Your Man -- Leonard Cohen
193. Demons -- Guster
194. Children in Bloom -- Counting Crows
195. Everything -- Lifehouse
196. These Apples -- Barenaked Ladies
197. Camera One -- Josh Joplin Group
198. Sullivan Street -- Counting Crows
199. In the Car -- Barenaked Ladies
200. The Stone -- Dave Matthews Band

201. A Clean Pair of Eyes -- David Gray
202. Darkmatter -- Andrew Bird
203. Rockstar -- Nickelback
204. If Your Love is Real -- David Gray
205. Girl all the Bad Guys Want -- Bowling for Soup
206. Free -- Train
207. Sick Cycle Carousel -- Lifehouse
208. Standing Here in Front of Me -- David Mead
209. Grey Street -- Dave Matthews Band
210. Hold On -- Sarah McLachlan
211. Call and Answer -- Barenaked Ladies
212. Mystery -- Indigo Girls
213. Say Hello, Wave Goodbye -- David Gray
214. Love Song for No One -- John Mayer
215. Time After Time -- Rob Thomas
216. She's My Kind of Rain -- Tim McGraw
217. Never is a Promise -- Fiona Apple
218. Wherever You Will Go -- The Calling
219. Falling is Like This -- Ani DiFranco
220. Solsbury Hill -- Peter Gabriel
221. Shame on You -- Indigo Girls
222. The First Taste -- Fiona Apple
223. Be Mine -- David Gray
224. Midnight in a Perfect World -- DJ Shadow
225. Only Lonely -- Hootie & the Blowfish
226. Dancing Nancies -- Dave Matthews Band
227. Mercury -- Counting Crows
228. Perfect Girl -- Sarah McLachlan
229. Never Gonna Come Back Down -- BT feat. Doughty
230. The Luckiest -- Ben Folds
231. Red Rain -- Peter Gabriel
232. Do What You Have to Do -- Sarah McLachlan
233. Spark -- Tori Amos
234. Say Goodbye -- Dave Matthews Band
235. December -- David Gray
236. Why Georgia -- John Mayer
237. Old Country -- Mark Chestnutt
238. Trouble -- Coldplay
239. Crucify -- Tori Amos
240. Cry Freedom -- Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds
241. Anyday -- Ani DiFranco
242. Insensitive -- Jann Arden
243. Freakshow -- Ani DiFranco
244. Not Myself -- John Mayer
245. Crash into Me -- Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds
246. Fear -- Sarah McLachlan
247. Eden -- Guster
248. Just For -- Nickelback
249. Kiss from a Rose -- Seal
250. Crawling -- Linkin Park
251. Grace is Gone -- Dave Matthews Band
252. I Love the Way You Love Me -- John Michael Montgomery
253. She Don't Know She's Beautiful -- Alan Jackson
254. I Grieve -- Peter Gabriel
255. Now and Always -- David Gray
256. Everything You Want -- Vertical Horizon
257. A Murder of One -- Counting Crows
258. I Believe -- Blessid Union of Souls
259. Two Step -- Dave Matthews Band
260. Four Days -- Counting Crows
261. You And Me -- Lifehouse
262. Unstoppable -- The Calling
263. Language or the Kiss -- Indigo Girls
264. Early Morning Phone Call -- Zac Maloy
265. Hands Clean -- Alanis Morisette
266. I'll Be -- Edwin McCain
267. Hopeless -- Train
268. Wake Up Call -- Maroon 5
269. As I'm Leaving -- David Gray
270. Downeaster "Alexa" -- Billy Joel
271. When You Say Nothing at All -- Martina McBride
272. Tangled Up in Blue -- Indigo Girls
273. So Unsexy -- Alanis Morisette
274. Here Without You -- 3 Doors Down
275. Hanging by a Moment -- Lifehouse
276. You Wanted More -- Tonic
277. Tear in Your Hand -- Tori Amos
278. Hey Jealousy -- Gin Blossoms
279. I Just Wanted You to Know -- Mark Chestnutt
280. Recovering the Satellites -- Counting Crows
281. Good Enough -- Sarah McLachlan
282. Follow You Down -- Gin Blossoms

*whew* so there you go. Do with it what you will =)

Today Has Songs

2009-04-05T11:25:00.002-05:00

More song lyrics for those of you who follow my brain's weird connections...

Bird on a Wire

Like a bird on the wire,
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.
Like a worm on a hook,
Like a knight from some old fashioned book
I have saved all my ribbons for thee.
If i, if I have been unkind,
I hope that you can just let it go by.
If i, if I have been untrue
I hope you know it was never to you.

Like a baby, stillborn,
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me.
But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee.
I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
He said to me, you must not ask for so much.
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
She cried to me, hey, why not ask for more?

Oh like a bird on the wire,
Like a drunk in a midnight choir have tried in my way to be free.

--Leonard Cohen

Bless the Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

And now Im just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true,
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

--Rascal Flatts

Fear

Morning smiles
Like the face of a newborn child
Innocent unknowing
Winters end
Promises of a long lost friend
Speaks to me of comfort

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like
Better than to fall
But I fear I have nothing to give

Wind in time
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
Nothing yields to shelter it
From above
They say temptation will destroy our love
The never ending hunger

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like
Better than to fall
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose...

--Sarah McLachlan

In other news, I spent several hours yesterday composing the mix that is the soundtrack of my life... It has 280 songs on it, so roughly 9.65 songs for every year that i've been alive, or probably something like 20 songs per year since i really became aware of the effect that music has had on my brain and emotions around the age of 14. =) I'll probably post the list later, but at the moment i SHOULD be doing homework.

Send "Bird on The Wire" Ringtone to Cell Phone

Today has Songs

2009-04-03T10:29:00.002-05:00

because the last week has been less than stellar for all the people i love and for myself. Today has three songs.

Sail Away

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace
Oh all the times I've tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

I've been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to find some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now
Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

-- David Gray

Four Days

All I want is something good
It gets harder every time
She is leaving here tonight
Take a breath
Take your time
Spread your wings and rise

Make a mark upon the wall
Paint your face and pass the time
Close your eyes and she ascends
Hold your breath
Ease your mind
Forty thousand times

Time fade into the night
They descend and then they climb
Feathers falling through the night
Have you seen ohio rise
It has been four days and nights

All I want is something fine
It gets harder every time
She is sleeping far away
Take a breath
Take your time
Spread your wings and rise

Rise through the black ohio sky
They descend and then they climb
Feathers falling through the night
Have you seen ohio rise
It has been four days and nights

-- Adam Duritz

As Is

You can't hide
Behind social graces
So don't try
To be all touchy feely
Cuz you lie
In my face of all places
But I got no
Problem with that really

What bugs me
Is that you believe what you're saying
What bothers me
Is that you don't know how you feel
What scares me
Is that while you're telling me stories
You actually
Believe that they are real

I get no illusions about you
Guess what
I never did
When I said
When I said I'll take it
I meant
I meant as is

Just give up
And admit you're as asshole
You would be
In some good company and I think you'd find
That your friends would forgive you
Or maybe i
Am just speaking for me

When I look around
I think this, this is good enough
And I try to laugh
At whatever life brings
Cuz when I look down
I just miss all the good stuff
And when I look up
I just trip over things

I've got no illusions about you
Guess what
I never did
When I say
When I say illl take it
I mean
I mean as is

-- Ani DiFranco

Today Has Songs

2009-03-29T08:59:00.002-05:00

Anna Begins

My friend assures me
It's all or nothing
I am not worried- I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me
For one time only,
Make an exception. I am not not worried

Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried -
I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions
Oh, she says, were changing.
But were always changing
It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm going to have to live that
But, I'm sure
There's something in a shade of gray or something inbetween
And I can always change my name if thats what you mean

My friend assures me its all or nothing`
But I am not really worried
I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you try tellyour self to make
Yourself forget
To make yourself forget
I am not worried if its love she said,
then we're gonna have to think about the consequences
She can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and.....

This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering
For days she says.
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing

But I'm not gonna break
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not gonna bend,
And I'm not gonna break and
I'm not gonna worry about it anymore

It seems like I should say as long as this is love...
But it's not all that easy so maybe I should just
Snap her up in a butterfly net-
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins change my mind
And every time she sneezes I believe its love
And oh lord.... I'm not ready for this sort of thing

She's talking in her sleep- it's keeping me awake
And Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand it and
Oh lord. I m not ready for this sort of thing

Her kindness bangs a gong
Its moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It s chasing me away.
She disappears, and oh lord I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Send "Anna Begins" Ringtone to Cell Phone

-- Adam Duritz

Imitosis

Imitosis lyrics

His keeping busy, yeah he's bleeding stones,
With his machinations and his palindromes
It was anything but hear the voice
Anything but hear the voice
It was anything but hear the voice
That says that we’re all basically alone

Poor Professor Pynchon had only good intentions
When he put his Bunsen burners all away
And turned into a playground a petri dish of single cells
That would swing their fists at anything that looks like easy prey
On this nature show that rages every day it was bound,
A part his intuition
To say we were all basically alone

And despite what all his studies had shown
What was mistaken for closeness was just a case for mitosis
Why do some show no mercy
While others are painfully shy?
And tell me doctor can quantify
‘Cause he just wants to know the reason, the reason why

Why do they congregate in groups of four
Scatter like a billion spores
And let the wind just carry them away?
How can kids be so mean
Our famous doctor tried to gleam
As he went home at the end of the day
In this Nature show that rages every day
It was bound apart his intuition, Say

We were all basically all alone
Despite what all his studies had shown
What was mistaken for closeness was just a case for mitosis
She fatal doses, malcontent to osmosis
Why do some show no mercy
While others are painfully shy?
Well tell me doctor can you quantify
The reason why
-- Andrew Bird

Today Has Songs!

2009-03-10T16:02:00.003-05:00

First Time

We're both looking for something
We've been afraid to find
It's easier to be broken
It's easier to hide

Looking at you,
holding my breath,
For once in my life,
I'm scared to death,
I'm taking a chance,
letting you inside.

Feeling alive all over again,
As deep as the sky, under my skin
Like being in love, she says
For the first time

Maybe I'm wrong,
But I'm feeling right
where I belong
With you tonight
Like being in love
To feel for the first time

The world that I see inside you
Waiting to come to life
Waking me up to dreaming
Reality in your eyes

Looking at you,
Holding my breath,
For once in my life
I'm scared to death,
I'm taking a chance,
Letting you inside.

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky that's under my skin
Like being in love, she says, for the first time

Maybe I'm wrong,
I'm feeling right
Where I belong
with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

We're crashing
Into the unknown
We're lost in this
But it feels like home

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky that's under my skin
Like being in love, she says, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong,
I'm feeling right
Where I belong
with you tonight
Like being in love
to feel for the first time

--Lifehouse

I Envy The Wind

I envy the wind
That whispers in your ear
That howls through the winter
That freezes your fingers
That moves through your hair
And cracks your lips
And chills you to the bone
I envy the wind

I envy the rain
That falls on your face
That wets your eyelashes
And dampens your skin
And touches your tongue
And soaks through your shirt
And drips down your back
I envy the rain

I envy the sun
That brightens your summer
That warms your body
And holds you in her heat
And makes your days longer
And makes you hot
And makes you sweat
I envy the sun
I envy the wind, I envy the rain, I envy the sun, I envy the wind

-- Lucinda Williams

Grey Street

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might

She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage

But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey

-- David J. Matthews

Of Vultures and Prognostication

2009-03-09T11:56:00.003-05:00

This weekend, Livvy and I went to the woods. We don't do this often, which i think is unfortunate, but we've not felt very connected to each other lately, and one of my favorite ways to reconnect in a quiet, no pressure manner is to go for a walk in the woods. So we packed up the dog, hopped into the car, and drove to the woods.

The woods were surprisingly active for this time of the year, especially considering it was cloudy and there was, off and on, a stiff breeze. As we walked, the noise of traffic gradually faded away and we were ensconced in only the noises of the forest. It's always incredibly comforting to me to be walking in the woods -- as a child, I had many, many happy, contented hours playing by myself in our woods, surrounded only by birdsong and filtered half light. I miss that, and I never realized just how comforting it is to be in the woods for me.

I was glad that we could walk and talk and spend some time just reconnecting with each other in a calm, no pressure way. We walked for about an hour, and the further we went into the woods, the more relaxed and open i felt. I felt like we were able to talk about things so easily, with flow and give and take that we don't always have at home, or in the car, or on the phone, etc. It made me realize how open we both have become to having experiences together and actually being able to process them, and relate to each other through them. That's a huge realization for me, because I'm not the kind of person who is open about emotions and feelings and processing and all that other stuff that goes along with it. I don't do vulnerable well, but I feel like i've been able to make some changes in the fundamental way in which i relate, not just to Livvy, but to people in general, and that feels very freeing. And very very good.

On the way out of the woods, we stopped and turned down a path that was freshly cleared... On the ground was a wrinkled vulture feather, which i picked up, and lamented it's tattered state. Livvy looked down, pointed at my foot, and in a tangle of briars, next to my foot, sat a perfect pinion. Black, shiny, freshly molted. I couldn't help but smile -- vultures are one of my major totem animals, and a very very powerful symbol for me. I feel not only that they are protective and wise, but they have an intrinsic function to the world. They are perfectly evolved to do what they do, and they do it better than any other warm blooded thing. As we walked back along the main trail, three circled, two low, one quite high above us. Their silent watchfulness never ceases to amaze me -- even owls are louder than vultures, if you're listening....

Today Has Songs

2009-02-27T18:11:00.003-06:00

I know, i know.. I always intend to post actual content, and I swear i will, sooner than later, but for now you loyal reader(s) will have to just bear with me and have some more song lyrics.

Sick Cycle Carousel

If shame had a face I think it would kinda look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes?
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this?
Well here we go now one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground.
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
You better believe that I had tried to beat this

So where will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around
I know that it won't stop
Til I step down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kinda thought that it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time

-- Lifehouse

Not Myself

Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
And there are times
I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
And words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

-- John Mayer

It's Not Over

I was blown away what could I say
It all seemed to make sense
You’ve taken away everything
And I can’t do without
I try to see the good in life
But good things in life are hard to find

Blow it away, Blow it away
Can we make this something good
Well I'll try to do it right this time around
Let’s start over
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not over
There’s a part of me that’s dead and in the ground
This love is killing me, but you’re the only one
It's not over

Taken all I could take and I cannot wait
We're wasting to much time
Being strong holding on
Can't let it bring us down
My life with you means everything
So I won’t give up that easily

Blow it Away, Blow it Away
Can we make this something good
Cause its all misunderstood
Well I'll try to do it right this time around
Let’s start over
I'll try to do it right this time around
It’s not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground
This love is killing me
But you’re the only one
It’s not over

We can’t let this get away
Let it out, let it out
Don’t get caught up in yourself
Let it out

Let’s start over
I'll try to do it right this time around
It’s not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground
This love is killing me
But you’re the only one
It’s not over
Let’s start over
Its not over, Oh yeah, yeah!

This love is killing me
But you’re the only one
It’s not over.....

-- Chris Daughtry

I have only one thing to say about this...

2009-02-22T21:12:00.000-06:00

*SQUEEEEEEEE*

In the Darkening of the Year

2008-12-10T18:12:00.002-06:00

So i'm sitting here in my living room, in front of the toasty woodstove, listening to a pair of owls call to each other outside my window. They're not far away, maybe 100 yards or so, but I can't see them because it's dark outside, and they are, after all, owls. I believe that these are a pair of Great Horned Owls (Bubo virginianus), but it's early in the year for them to be courting. Typical courtship behavior starts in January, and we haven't had much winter to speak of yet. Still, it's incredible to sit here in my living room and hear these owls as they go about their business. I've always had a deep connection with owls, so it makes me somehow content to hear them as they call to each other in the growing darkness.

I finished with my semester today. I'm glad of that. This semester was my hardest yet, and i got very discouraged... I desperately need the break.

Today Has Songs!

2008-11-27T12:19:00.002-06:00

And not Thanksgiving songs, either.... though I do have to say that it's incredibly weird to have not watched the parade on TV at all.... Usually i manage to catch a few minutes of it. *sigh* Stupid "being an adult" and stuff.

Anyway -- SONGS!

You And Me -- Lifehouse

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

One of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Collide

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

- Howie Day

Today Has Songs!

2008-11-25T19:05:00.004-06:00

A Murder Of One

Blue morning, Blue morning 
Wrapped in strands of fist and bone
Curiosity, Kitten,
Doesn't have to mean you're on your own

You can look outside your window
He doesn't have to know
We can talk awhile, baby
We can take it nice and slow

All your life is such a shame, shame, shame
All your love is just a dream, dream, dream

Are you happy when you're sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when you're sorry?
Does he tell you when you're wrong?

I've been watching you for hours
It's been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream

I dreamt I saw you walking 
up a hillside in the snow
Casting shadows on the winter sky 
as you stood there
counting crows

One for sorrow 
Two for joy
Three for girls and four for boys
Five for silver 
Six for gold and
Seven for a secret never to be told

There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream
Open up your eyes
You can see the flames 

of your wasted life
You should be ashamed

You don't want to waste your life

I walk along these hillsides In the summer 'neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me

Change, change, change

     -Adam Duritz

Please Forgive Me

Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

Help me out here
All my words are falling short
And there's so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way

Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into some mystery
Deep into that mystery

I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I wont ever have to lose you girl
Wont ever have to say goodbye
I wont ever have to lie
Wont ever have to say goodbye

Yeah na na na na
Yeah na na na na

Please forgive me
If I act alittle strange
For I know not what I do
Its like my head is filled with lightning girl
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

Send "Please Forgive Me" Ringtone to Cell Phone

      -David Gray

Today has a very important song....

2008-11-21T11:51:00.002-06:00

Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
-Lifehouse

I love you, my girl. Thank you for being you.

Today Has Songs!

2008-11-20T17:48:00.002-06:00

"Unspoken" -- Lacuna Coil

And it doesn't matter
how you feel now, anything at all
Seems to be your only way, so vicious
Heavenly apart

When your envy is on a piece of paper
Let me sweetly smile
You're devouring all the crumbs
I'm living caught up in your lies

You're on any other side

Clawing up my eyes
I'm feeling your arms around me
On the other side
It's time to go
I'm hearing your voice
without words
On the other side

But it doesn't matter
how I feel now, anything at all
Since I've left you with the wrong
impression while I'm still the same

When I turn around and look
at my life, shadows in disguise
but I'm working on
an interruption of hypocrisy

You're an any other side

Clawing up my eyes
I'm feeling your arms around me
On the other side, it's time to go
I'm hearing your voice without words
On the other side

Clawing up my eyes
I'm feeling your arms around me
On the other side, it's time to go
I'm hearing your voice without words
On the other side

Any other side
(Any other side)
Any other side
(Any other side)
Any other side
(Any other side)
Any other side
(Any other side)
Any other side
(Any other side)
Any other side

"Never Gonna Come Back Down" - BT (with M.Doughtry from Soul Coughing)

Im just gonna shout this one, Im just uhh, gonna gonna gonna gonna say this
To the people, not so much the people in the audience as the people sitting in
My mind,

Duh dub duh duh dububububububububbbbbb

Donde esta los digits du dj rap?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bring the sound to the people in a white truck bumpin on the road bumps
Run into a tree stump
Tweeter out the back door
Slam into the dirt lot, stopped
With the cable runnin out the backside
Disconnected

And if you had a chance-ah
You wouldnt even stop denying,
Go talk to anna hand.
Go start the multiplyin

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Red

Green is like a boom to the whats dis non.
Diddy on dawn to the don don diggy dawn.
(repeat)

Chorus
Doubtll be the fire of your delight, but youre never gonna come back down
A halve
The pop song on the five, but youre never gonna come back down
To grab
The t-shirt off the line, but youre never gonna come back down
I think shes murderously sly, but youre never gonna come back down
But youre never gonna come back down,
But youre never gonna come back down,
But youre never gonna come back down,
But youre never gonna come back down,

We are here to save the erf uhhh. e-r-f uh..

Todd berry todd berry Im gonna pay you on a chorley rate, pay you on a chorley
Rate, rate, rate, rate, rate...

Oh when I woke up and got on the bmt
I saw the boom shudap and thats fresh to me ..
And they were scrawling on the window with wise-ass keys,
And they were driving out the lots in their mercurys.

Green is like a boom to the whats dis non.
Diddy on dawn to the don don diggy dawn.
(repeat)

If you had a chance-ah
You wouldnt even stop denying
Go talk to anna hand,
Go start the multiplyin

Chorus
Doubtll be the fire of your delight, but youre never gonna come back down
A halve
The pop song on the five, but youre never gonna come back down
To grab
The t-shirt off the line, but youre never gonna come back down
I think shes murderously sly, but youre never gonna come back dowwwwwwwwn
But youre never gonna come back down,
But youre never gonna come back down,
But youre never gonna come back down,
But youre never gonna come back dowwwnnn,..,

Hes the doom slinger, the dope beat stinger, sucka djs they get stopped by a
Single finger....

Huh!

Hes gonna bubble it up now,

He likes to bubble it up, he likes to bubble it up, he likes to bubble it up,
He likes to bubble it up,

Mr. bt, mr. bt, mr. bt, mr. bt,

Please bring it up, bring it up, bring it up, bring it up,

Could you bring it up?
Could you bring it up just a little more than that?
Could you bring it up?
Could you bring it up?
Could you bring it up just..could you bring it up?
Could you bring it up?
Could you bring it up?
Could you bring it up?

Say hallelujah peoples, say hallelujah oh yes!
Yes, yes in the name, the name of, in the naaaaame,
In the name,
And it was in my belly bitter,
But in my mouth-ah, it was-ah sweeter.

Chorus
Doubtll be the fire of your delight, but youre never gonna come back down
A halve
The pop song on the five, but youre never gonna come back down
To grab
The t-shirt off the line, but youre never gonna come back down
I think shes murderously sly, but youre never gonna come back dowwwwwwwwwwn

You understand?

You know what Im saying?

Rght on to the people up front,
Right to the people in the back,
Right on to the bartender,
Right on to the waitresses,
Right on to the dj,
Right on,
Right on to the lady with the beer over there in the pink skirt,
Right on to all them mmmmmm english girls named charisse...
Fucking blonde english girls with ghetto names you know what Im saying?
I love that shit.

And the seven udders uttered,
The seven unders thundered,
The seven thunders uttered,
The seven utters thuddered, thuddered, thuddered, under, thuddered under
The seven thunders uttered.

Charisse-ah.

Bt: fucking excellent man.
Doughty: thats what I do for a living..

All that is Wrong with American Universities...

2008-10-28T09:01:00.004-05:00

Today Has Songs!

2008-10-23T08:39:00.002-05:00

Now and Always -- David Gray

You’re in my mind baby
Now and always
You’re in my mind baby
Now and always

The road I'm walking
Might fall away
You’re in my mind baby
Now and always

A bonfire smoking
Into a low sky
The sparks they fly up
Into a low sky

Would that these demons
Would let me rest
They’re with me lord
Till the day that I die

Feast my eyes on sacred lies

Ill wind that blows
From all directions
Ill wind that blows in
From all directions

Hey easy boy giving it all away
And nothing left
For your own protection

You’re in my mind baby
Now and always
You’re in my mind baby
Now and always

The ground I'm walking
Might fall away
You’re in my mind baby
Now and always

Feast my eyes on sacred lies

The swans are ghosts
On the jet black water
The swans like ghosts
On the jet black water
Hey little baby
I’ll hold you close
We'll glide like ghosts
On the starry water

Tthe dogs are running wild
The dogs are running wild
The dogs are running wild
The dogs are running
Dogs are running wild

Into the Night -- Carlos Santana (sung by Chad Kroeger of Nickelback)

Like a gift from the heavens, it was easy to tell,
It was love from above, that could save me from hell.
She had fire in her soul it was easy to see,
How the devil himself could be pulled out of me,
There were drums in the air as she started to dance,
Every soul in the room keeping time with their hands,
And we sang...

Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And the voices rang like the angels sang,
Singing...Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And we danced on into the night,
(Ay oh ay oh) And we danced on into the night,

Like a piece to the puzzle that falls into place,
You could tell how we felt from the look on our faces,
She was spinning in circles with the moon in our eyes,
No room left to move between you and I,
We forgot where we were and we lost track of time,
And we sang to the wind as we danced through the night,
And we sang...

Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And the voices rang like the angels sing,
We`re singing..Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And we danced on into the night, (Ay oh ay oh)
And we danced on into the night, (Ay oh ay oh)
And we danced on into the night,

Like a gift from the heavens, it was easy to tell,
It was love from above, that could save me from hell,
She had fire in her soul it was easy to see,
And the devil himself could be pulled out of me,
There were drums in the air as she started to dance,
Every soul in the room keeping time with their hands,
And we sang...

Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And the voices rang like the angels sing,
We`re singing...Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay,
And we danced on into the night,
Ay oh ay oh ay, (Ay oh ay oh)
And we danced on into the night,
(And the voices bang like the angels sing),
Ay oh ay oh, Ay oh ay oh,
And we danced on into the night,
Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay, (Ay oh ay oh),
Ay oh ay oh ay oh ay, (Ay oh ay oh),
Singing ay oh ay oh ay oh ay, (Ay oh ay oh),
And we danced on into the night..

Squee

2008-10-22T14:22:00.002-05:00

This is the first good update i've had all semester....

I've been doing my research, making baby fishies turn into horrid monsters (well not really), and at least attempting to get about 90% of my study done before Major National Conference in Large Southern City in November. It actually looks like i should be done in time, which is wonderful...but i feel SO vindicated, because i've been trying to describe the organ defects that i've been seeing to my mentor for like, 3 months, and today he finally actually looked at them and could see exactly what i was talking about. Which makes me feel amazing, because he said he'd never seen anything like it before.

So now the challenge is going to be getting images of the defects to put on my conference poster. I've got some plans for that. =)

In other news, i've been terribly conflicted the last few days. We've been doing early registration, and I assumed that i registered with the juniors, on the 27th, but i checked sunday night, and it said that i could register monday, with the SENIORS. Should be a great thing, right? And it is.... for the most part. But it's also really dang scary, because it means i have to get my shit together and get ready for grad school. Everyone says that i'm ready, and some days i FEEL ready, but other days i'm just like "what am i DOING?!" So it's good. But it's also scary. But good. But SCARY...

*bites nails*

The Economy, Grad Student Style

2008-09-30T09:47:00.002-05:00

How to tell if you should be worried about the economy, PhD Style....

Space on a Log Scale

2008-09-29T10:11:00.002-05:00

So, i thought that this was really funny. For those of you who DON'T read XKCD, you should. :)

Pet Peeve

2008-08-28T10:35:00.002-05:00

People, please. If you are going to post on forums, blogs, ads, etc. LEARN TO SPELL and USE GRAMMAR EFFECTIVELY

Here are some common things that you might misspell or mispunctuate, or otherwise mangle.

Its congraTulations, not congraDulations. We don't say "Congrads", do we?

To, too, and two are often misused. "to" is used in the sense, "we are going TO somewhere." Too means ALSO, and Two, of course is the number.

It's AD, not ADD. When you ADD something, you are implying that more will be forthcoming. An AD is something you use to sell something. (Ad is a shortened form of "advertisement")

An apostrophe is NOT necessary before every "s". "One's" is an example of this. "One's" implies that whatever is the object (like chocolate, let's say) is possessed by the one, NOT that there are more than one one. (as in "he did his ones beautifully")

Argh.

That is all.

First Two Days Of School

2008-08-26T14:57:00.002-05:00

Ah, the new school year... So far, my classes seem to be alright -- I think that I'll really enjoy my Vertibrate Physiology Class, and I know I'll enjoy my Feminist Foundations course. (the reasoning is NOT just because i'm one of the teacher's pet students... I love her, but that's a whole other story.)

Things that are interesting... Well, I got stuck with Kevin (i'm not sure that i've said anything about Kevin prior to now... I'll have to explain the whole sordid (well, it's not THAT sordid) story a bit later.) in my Organic class... *sighs deeply* This means that I will have to fight all semester not to kill his little punk butt. It's not that he's a bad person, he is quite literally the most annoying human being i have ever had the misfortune of knowing.

AND... work in the TWL....or now the T*C*L, since aparantly it was a good idea to change the name when we got our own department, is going to be veeeeeeeeeeeery interesting this semester... I'm glad we have a new manager, he's super cool, but the new tutors...well... frankly they suck, but some of them are trying hard, and those that are are going to be fine. The ones that aren't? Well...hopefully they'll be gone soon.

I'm also taking a class with my lovely wife this semester!!! Yay!!! it's about time she actually got her butt to campus! *wink* I walked her to class today, and i think i stressed her out a lot.... she's never taken a class with me, so she doesn't quite get how i am in school yet. But it will be better by the end of next week, especially once i get into the routine of classes and whatnot. It's a womens' studies course anyway, so it will definitely spark some good conversations at my house, that's for sure!

All in all, i think this will be an Interesting semester if nothing else. I hope i'll have time for more regular updates now that i'm not spending ALL of my time in the lab, and I hope to bring back "your weekly reptile" sometime soon!

Proof by Mathematical Induction that Gary is a Douchebag.

2008-08-22T20:55:00.002-05:00

Caution: Total Geek Joke Ahead!

Proof:

Let P(n) be the statement "Gary is a douchebag."
P(n) is true.
Let P(1) be the statement "Gary is a douchebag." = 1
P(1) is true.
Let P(k) be the statement "Gary is a douchebag."
Assume P(k) is true.
P(K+1) is the statement "Gary is a douchebag +1"
P(K+1) is true.
Therefore, P(n) is true for all Natural Numbers n.

Well.... WE thought it was funny...

Bizarre Foods that I Have Eaten Meme

2008-08-15T19:15:00.004-05:00

So here's this list of 100 so called "bizarre" foods... The premise is that you bold the ones that you've eaten and strikethrough the ones you would never try under any circumstances. I'm going to italicize the ones I'd try, also. :) Now, being a biologist and possibly HAVING to eat something like this, my choices might be a bit different than some of yours, but maybe you'll be interested to see them!

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile (does Alligator count? I LOVE Alligator!)
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich (I don't really like peanut butter, but I have had it)
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart (aren't those the BEST hotdogs???)
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns (???)
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes (i might add that i HATE tomatoes...)
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper (OWWIE!!!!)
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters (Snot in a shell)
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar (i've had several different cognacs, but no cigars, does this still count?)
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O (don't put too much vodka in your jello shots -- that's the one thing I stil remember from AP Latin in high school!)
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects (BLECH BLECH BLECH! even chocolate covered ants are blechy!)
43. Phaal
44. Goat's milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
~~46. Fugu~~
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald's Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine (Definitely at Worldcon next year)
60. Carob chips
61. S'mores
~~62. Sweetbreads~~ (I don't eat any organ meats...)
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian ( I would TRY it, if i had to... but I wouldn't be the first to volunteer)
66. Frogs' legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake (All four, actually)
68. ~~Haggis~~ (see above re: organ meats)
69. Fried plantain
70. ~~Chitterlings, or andouillette~~
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. ~~Roadkill~~ (uhm, GROSS!)
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail (well.... snails are still technically mollusks, and I do like most bivalves...)
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. ~~Horse (oh HELL no... not in any sense of the word...that's sacrilege!)~~
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Today has a Song

2008-08-08T15:45:00.002-05:00

I've been in a David Gray mood today...and this song is really boppy and happy...and then you listen to the words and you're like "woah!, it's sad!"

I like songs like that... they're juxtapositions sortof.

Anyway, more actual content sometime this week/end... I've been insanely busy and crazy lately!

LATELY

That the sky would lift
That I’d find my place
That I’d see your face in the door
And the sun would glint
On a time well spent
On a time that ain’t no more

Takes the broken hearts
In the vacant lots
To see the fruit that rots on the trees
Had to turn my head
Leave it all for dead
But it’s in my mind always

Honey lately I’ve been way down
Load on my mind
Honey lately I’ve been way down
Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go
Darling I'm damned if i know
I seen that look in your eye
No one ever gave it a chance
I could have said in advance
You saw it all at a glance
And goodbye
Goodbye

Drag a salted kiss
From this cup of bliss
Watch a new lie twist on the breeze
You can paint it red
Or Leave it all for dead
But it’s in my head always

Honey lately I've been way down
Load on my mind
Honey lately I've been way down
Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go
Darling I'm damned if i know
I seen that look in your eye
No one ever gave it a chance
I could have said in advance
You saw it all at a glance
And goodbye

Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

Now Honey lately
Yeh Honey lately
Honey lately i've been way down
yeh Honey lately i've been way down
yeh Honey lately i've been way down
Honey lately i've been way down
Lately
Lately
Lately

Today Has Quotes :)

2008-07-12T19:25:00.002-05:00

In leu of any real content, today I've decided to post some quotes from a recent iTunes playlist... My mind has been very occupied lately, so these may be a bit odd, but bear with me. =)

"Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"
-Drops of Jupiter, Train

" excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like"
-Let Go, Frou Frou

"And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me off and puts me on"
-Bad Day, Fuel

"I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"
-How To Save a Life, The Fray

"Suppose I said...
You're my saving grace?"
- Not Myself, John Mayer

Know what Sucks?

2008-07-04T22:33:00.002-05:00

When you spend 3 months telling people that you're having a 4th of July party, and then you remind them a month before, and THEN you spend an hour making flyers and posting them, and put one in everyone's box at the office, AND Put them up in your lab, and so many people say "hey, yeah! i'll totally be there!!"

and you get completely excited because maybe this time it will actually be a NICE party, NOT like all the other times that you've tried to have a party....

and then only one person shows up.

Yea. That sucks.

Happy Fourth of July to you, too.

Why I Love XKCD

2008-06-27T08:39:00.001-05:00

I Have Regained my Title!!

2008-06-25T16:17:00.002-05:00

I have officially regained my title as the Queen of Trivial Pursuit! *dances about* This makes me inordinately happy.... I was worried that I'd never get back to my old form. (for those of you who aren't regular readers of this or any of my past blogs, I was undefeated in 49 straight games until I met my wife. I KNEW there was a reason i chose her! Anyway, moving on!)

Livvy's brother came over for dinner last night, and he suggested that we play. I guess the trivia gods were shining on me, because I won in record time! I even got the GREEN pie fairly easily (green is sports/leisure, my hardest subject)! So that's good.

In other news, we're trying again on Friday to run my first trial... *sigh* Why did i choose to work with living things again? *head desk*

Today Has Songs!

2008-06-19T16:31:00.004-05:00

"Hallelujah"

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

-Leonard Cohen

"Ghost Story"

I watch the Western sky
The sun is sinking
The geese are flying South
It sets me thinking

I did not miss you much
I did not suffer
What did not kill me
Just made me tougher

I feel the winter come
His icy sinews
Now in the fire light
The case continues

Another night in court
The same old trial
The same old questions asked
The same denial

The shadows closely run
Like jury members
I look for answers in
The fire's embers

Why was I missing then
That whole December
I give my usual line:
I don't remember

Another winter comes
His icy fingers creep
Into these bones of mine
These memories never sleep

And all these differences
A cloak I borrow
We kept our distances
Why should it follow I must have loved you

What is the force that binds the stars
I wore this mask to hide my scars
What is the power that pulls the tide
I never could find a place to hide

What moves the Earth around the sun
What could I do but run and run and run
Afraid to love, afraid to fail
A mast without a sail

The moon's a fingernail and slowly sinking
Another day begins and now I'm thinking
That this indifference was my invention
When everything I did sought your attention

You were my compass star
You were my measure
You were a pirate's map
A buried treasure

If this was all correct
The last thing I'd expect
The prosecution rests
It's time that I confess: I must have loved you

-Sting

"My Skin"

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart

They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this

Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it

-Natalie Merchant

Letter to A Friend

2008-06-16T12:27:00.000-05:00

(Regular readers, please bear with me ..... occasionally I get in these nostalgic things and I have to write a letter. This person will likely never see this letter, and I will not mention them by name, both for my privacy and for theirs. If you don't care, then I suggest you stop reading now and come back when I post some actual science content, which should probably happen later today or tomorrow.)

Hello Old Friend,

I've been thinking of you a lot lately, as I do every year around this time for whatever reason. I've been remembering the times we had together, both good and bad, and I've been thinking about the things that never happened but easily could have, and where we might be today if those things had happened.

A part of me longs desperately to hear your voice, but another part of me is wary. So many things have changed in our lives since we last spoke, and so many of our opinions have diverged over the years that I worry that our conversation would turn quickly into an argument. I don't want to remember you that way -- I want to remember your laughter, and your joy, and yes, even your sarcasm, because we are still so similar in that way.

There is no denying that I loved you. And there is also no denying that to love you with all that I am would have destroyed both of us. Or at least that's the way I see it now. It doesn't devalue what was, and what still is, but I know that I, for one, could not have continued the depth of feeling that I had for you (and that I know you had for me) for an entire lifetime. It was purely too much. There was too much rawness and not enough softness.

Sometimes, though rarely, I regret not having tried harder.... or not having made more of an effort to hold onto things as they were slipping away. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that had I held any harder, it would have driven you further, and we quite possibly would have no relationship today, rather than the somewhat distant and slightly stilted one that we have today. I know that I did everything I could and that you were scared, but that doesn't fill the reservations that I had then, nor does it get us any closer to where we were now. You were my best friend. I told you things that until recently I had never told to another person. And there are things that I would like to tell you now that I don't think I can...not without considerable pain on both of our parts.

I'll close by saying that I'm happy, and that I don't regret anything that we ever did when we were together, both in our friendship and after. We had the kind of connection that doesn't happen often, maybe once or twice in a lifetime, and for that I feel absolutely blessed. You taught me many things, not the least of which was patience, and also recovery of a friendship after complications.

There are times that I miss you desperately -- not you as a lover, but you as a friend.

"If we should ever cross the same place, at the same time, would your world skip a beat because it was me?" - D. Rucker

I'm thinking of you today,
Yours....

me

The Truest Thing I've Heard All Year.

2008-06-10T09:04:00.002-05:00

This poster is probably the truest thing I've heard all year.

And I needed it today. So thanks to Respectful Insolence over at Scienceblogs for posting it.

Godspeed, Teddy....

2008-05-28T20:45:00.002-05:00

It is with a heavy heart that I let you guys know that America's Favorite Eventing Pony, Theodore O'Connor, was humanely euthanized following an accident on the O'Connor's farm today.

Teddy was shortlisted for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, had won a Team Gold medal at Pan Am last year, and was one of the most, if not THE most decorated pony in Eventing History.

This is a devastating blow, not only to the O'Connor Event Team, Teddy's syndicate, etc. but also to the American public, especially to young riders, a great many of whom held Teddy very close to their hearts.

Godspeed, little man. You touched many lives.

Run Free Eight Belles

2008-05-03T22:05:00.002-05:00

Those of you who read this blog will know that Today was Kentucky Derby day. I'm not going to give you a play by play of the race -- I just finished watching it and need to process and cry for a while.

I will say this: Run Free Eight Belles....You were an amazing filly and you will be missed.

These horses are too young for this..... they're too young and their bones are too soft and they don't need to die for our entertainment.

that's all i'm going to say about horse racing right now... I'm too stunned to say anything else.

Cult Fiction

2008-05-02T08:33:00.002-05:00

The London Telegraph posted this List of the Top 50 Cult Fiction Books Of All Time....

The ones I've read personally are italicized....

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut (1969)
The Alexandria Quartet by Lawrence Durrell (1957-60)
A Rebours by JK Huysmans (1884)
Baby and Child Care by Dr Benjamin Spock (1946)
The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf (1991)
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (1963)
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)
The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger (1951)
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield (1993)
The Dice Man by Luke Rhinehart (1971)
Chariots of the Gods: Was God An Astronaut? by Erich Von Däniken (1968)
A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole (1980)
Confessions by Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1782)
The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner by James Hogg (1824)
Dianetics: the Modern Science of Mental Health by L Ron Hubbard (1950)
The Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley (1954)

Dune

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams (1979)
The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe (1968)
Fear of Flying by Erica Jong (1973)
The Female Eunuch by Germaine Greer (1970)
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand (1943)

Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid

Gravity’s Rainbow

The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh and Henry Lincoln (1982)
I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith (1948)
If on a Winter’s Night a Traveller by Italo Calvino (1979)
Iron John: a Book About Men by Robert Bly (1990)
Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach and Russell Munson (1970)
The Magus by John Fowles (1966)
Labyrinths by Jorge Luis Borges (1962)
The Leopard by Giuseppe di Lampedusa (1958)
The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov (1967)
No Logo by Naomi Klein (2000)
On The Road by Jack Kerouac (1957)
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S Thompson (1971)
The Outsider by Colin Wilson (1956)
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran (1923)
The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists by Robert Tressell (1914)
The Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám tr by Edward FitzGerald (1859)
The Road to Oxiana by Robert Byron (1937)
Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse (1922)
The Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1774)
Story of O by Pauline Réage (1954)
The Stranger by Albert Camus (1942)
The Teachings of Don Juan: a Yaqui Way of Knowledge by Carlos Castaneda (1968)
Testament of Youth by Vera Brittain (1933)
Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1883-85)
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (1960)

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: an Inquiry into Values by Robert M Pirsig(1974)

Rolex Kentucky

2008-04-28T18:41:00.005-05:00

This past weekend was the US's only 4 Star CCI Event, the Rolex Kentucky 3 Day.... I wish I could say that it was a wonderful, joyous occasion for all who attended, and that nobody was injured, or killed, and that all the horses made it out alright. Unfortunately, I can't. This year, two horses either died on course or were euthanized at vet hospitals after their cross country runs. Both horses, Frodo Baggins and The Quiet Man, fell on course, and both were the dreaded (and controversial) rotational falls that seem to be occurring more and more at the upper levels of this sport.

The Quiet Man fell at the Sunken Road (I believe). His rider will be alright, though she has a concussion. Quiet Man fractured his shoulder in the fall and was humanely destroyed following examination at a local veterinary hospital. An image of his fall can be found here. If you choose to look at the image, you can clearly see that his shoulder hits the large, stationary top rail of the jump, and he rotates over it.

Frodo Baggins fall occurred at Fence 5, The Flower Basket, which was one of the most straightforward fences on the course. Something went terribly wrong, however -- Maybe Frodo slipped on takeoff, maybe he was coming in to the fence too quickly; I wasn't there, so I can't say for sure...but he caught both of his front legs on the top of the fence and flipped over onto his rider, Laine Asker. Laine is hospitalized with a closed head injury, lung contusions, 4 broken ribs, and a broken jaw. She has lost most of her teeth and is currently on a ventilator while her lungs heal.... Frodo broke his neck in the fall and was euthanized at a local veterinary hospital not long afterwards.

This is the second time I've posted about this on my blog....

How many horses have to die before we see a change in this sport?

Why is the short format better than the long format?

(to me, it's clearly not...we've had SO many more deaths and injuries in the last 5 years since it's been adopted....)

Why are we not using frangible pins in cross country fences?? Why do they have to be so completely solid??

What will it take to make a difference??

How many times does THIS have to happen to make people sit up and take notice??

(Image courtesy of Jen from the UDBB...thanks so much Jen for letting me use it!)

Friday Randomness

2008-04-18T08:03:00.002-05:00

Well, the semester is nearly over, and that's a good thing. I have finals in two weeks, then I have two weeks off, and then I start summer school. I'm NOT looking forward to summer school, only because I have to take PreCal over the summer, and I'm not the world's greatest at math. BUT -- it's during the summer long semester (10 weeks), 4 days a week, so HOPEFULLY I'll get it. I think I should; I'm doing very well in my current math course (yes, you may fall over now), but I'm quite intimidated. And, of course, I still have to take Calc 1. *pulls out hair*

In other news, I present my summer proposal next Friday. I've worked my butt off on the power point, I know my plan, so I should do great. That and it's a really small, low key thing in front of McNair people and our mentors/family/friends. I invited several people; we'll see who shows up.

AND --- Wait for it .....

MY FROGS CAME YESTERDAY!!! *dances about* I haven't had a chance to go and see them yet, but I will do that today. I wish I hadn't taken my camera out of my bag -- I'd post some pix of them. I guess I will have to bring it on Monday and run to the lab and take pix of them then. I know there are 4 pairs, but I don't have a naming system or anything for them yet. EEEEeeee...

Let's see....what else can I report....? I've got some horse show photos to put up, so I will do that probably this weekend.....

OH! And we went to Scarborough Faire this past weekend! We had a total blast, as usual. I wish Livvy hadn't pooped out so early, but even that was alright. We saw several people that I hadn't seen in a while, including our old friend Lady Phoenix. It was awesome to see her and to see how well she's doing. She's living in a questionable situation, BUT that's her choice and not mine. So to each his own, and if she's happy then I'm happy.

I also saw some model horse friends -- Alicia & her crew, Shannon & her family, Leah (of course), etc... I wish I could have spent more time hanging out, but we had a friend in town, so I was somewhat at the whim of my love and our friend. =)

And on a sadder note.... A person my lovely wife grew up with and went all the way through school with was found murdered in Seattle on Monday. His was a life far too short. I had never met him, but I met his brother, who I like very much, and I feel horrible about this senseless loss. Unfortunately, the only suspect in his death is dead himself -- he blew himself up with a homemade incendiary device. The funeral for Livvy's friend is Monday in his hometown of Odessa.... My thoughts are with his family at this horrible time.

Random Things Meme (From Livvy)

2008-04-05T17:38:00.002-05:00

I know, I know... It's been WEEKS since I updated. Unfortunately, it's been absolutely crazy in my life of late, so updates will probably be a bit sporadic for a while longer. I'll do better, I Promise.

Anyway, my Livvy Love tagged me with this meme -- 7 Random Things:

Here's how it works:

The rules: Someone writes a blog with seven weird/random facts about him/herself. Then, at the end of the blog, he/she tags seven people by listing their names. These people then need to write their own blogs with seven facts about themselves with these rules stated clearly. It is also required that you leave a comment on the new tag-ees pages, telling them they have been tagged and that they should read your blog.

So here are 7 random things about TankDiveGirl:

1. I show Model Horses. (These are plastic representations of the real thing). I realize that this is very odd to those of you who have no idea how it works, but I promise we're NOT a bunch of crazy old ladies....well...nevermind, yes we are, but it's good fun and I've made some awesome friends doing it. =)

2. I have a warehouse of strange facts in my head, the most unusual and pointless things that anyone has ever heard, and I enjoy trotting them out in front of everyone -- especially at inopportune times.

3. I was engaged 4 times before I married my girl.

4. I love to read memoirs, especially those of people who have mental illness, or are doctors, etc.

5. I recently switched to Mac and will never go back to a microsoft computer again!

6. I have a strange weakness for country music....and bad 80's pop.

7. I have a near anaphylactic reaction to rodents, their dander, urine, or feces. I literally can not be in the same room as one, or I get hives all over my body, my throat swells, and I can't breathe. Fun huh?

Now -- I'm Tagging....

1. Alicia
2. Sarah
3. Kate
4. Dani
5. CK
6. Joey
7. Janine

A Letter from the President of the USEA

2008-03-19T22:07:00.001-05:00

The president of the United States Eventing Association (USEA) issued this statement today regarding not only Darren Chiacchia's injuries, but several of the issues that have been a hotbed of controversy in the 3 day eventing world of late. If you are a horse person with familiarity of the system and it's flaws, I encourage you to get involved. If you know an eventer who has an opinion (and every eventer should -- it's their sport at stake), please pass this on so that they may read it and contact the appropriate individuals.

Darren has had a setback, unfortunately. He was extubated and breathing on his own, but spiked a fever yesterday afternoon and had to be reintubated and is now back on the vent. He has pneumonia.... It's an unfortunate, but not unforseen occurrence.

A Message from USEA President Kevin Baumgardner
Updated: March 19, 2008

Eventers everywhere are deeply saddened by the accidents that occurred this past weekend at the Red Hills Horse Trials in Tallahassee, Florida. First and foremost, our thoughts, prayers, and heartfelt wishes for a speedy recovery go out to our dear friend and USEA board member Darren Chiacchia. Darren is an extraordinary horseman who has worked tirelessly on behalf of the sport of Eventing. We also send our condolences to Jonathan Holling and Missy Miller and those connected with Direct Merger and Leprechauns Rowdy Boy. These beloved horses were the best of the best—they will be missed. Furthermore, the USEA recognizes the excellent work of the Red Hills' Organizing Committee under very trying circumstances.

The sad news from Red Hills comes at a time when the USEA is taking a hard look at the sport of Eventing. During the December 2007 Convention in Colorado Springs, the USEA reaffirmed its commitment to horse and rider safety as the paramount consideration in the governance of our sport. The centerpiece of the Convention, the all-day-Saturday G10 Summit, was devoted exclusively to a full and open discussion of the safety issue among all of the stakeholders in the sport—riders, trainers, coaches, breeders, owners, officials, organizers, parents. A number of positive changes came out of our discussions in Colorado Springs, including the implementation of beefed-up qualification standards at preliminary level and higher that will go into effect this December 1.

Having said that, I remain deeply concerned with the direction the sport has taken over the past several years. It would be unfair and counterproductive at this juncture to focus on any one incident, cross-country course, or horse trials. We should never jump to conclusions regarding single incidents, let alone lose sight of the fact that there is, and will always be, an element of risk in any sport involving horses. And I will never point fingers or be a party to personal attacks on any individual involved in the sport, no matter how much I might disagree with his or her views. But the overall trends, particularly over the last three years, are unmistakable—and in my view totally unacceptable. I know that my concern that the sport has gotten off track is shared by many of our members, amateurs and professionals alike.

We seem to be in an ever-spiraling loop in which the aspect of cross-country that attracted most of us to the sport in the first place, the joy and thrill of galloping rhythmically over jumps across country, has been replaced with questions of extreme technicality and a proliferation of combinations taken at show-jump speed. It appears that the driver behind this emphasis on increased technical difficulty is the need to challenge and sort out the elite combinations competing at the highest levels of the sport. The net effect of this shift in emphasis, however, has not been confined to the upper levels. Rather, because of the need for each level to serve as preparation for the next, the sport has been altered all the way to the novice and training levels. This has left a large proportion of our core USEA membership—the 90-plus percent of Eventers who will never compete above preliminary—asking whether there is a place left for them in the sport.

Our members want courses that provide fun and challenge, and that leave both horse and rider feeling elated and wanting more. Unfortunately, this is all too frequently not the experience that is reported by many of our members. Cross-country should be a positive, exhilarating and educational experience for an appropriately prepared horse and rider. That is particularly true at the levels populated by adult amateurs and youngsters.

And what about our horses? Does the gallop-collect-gallop-collect nature of many of our courses, combined with the rigid adherence to established optimal speeds despite the twistiness of many modern courses, best serve the talents and abilities of our mounts? We owe the highest duty of care and compassion to these wonderful animals—in my view, the bravest and most noble horses in the world.

What can we do? The answer is plenty. To begin with, we need the active participation of our membership. When you are concerned with the direction of the sport you love, it is not good enough to sit on the fence and passively watch events unfold. Get involved! And I don't mean just the "grass roots" USEA membership (which judging by the large number of emphatic emails I have received in the last few days is already energized). We also need the active involvement of a broad spectrum of our Eventing professionals, the riders, trainers and officials out there who do not belong to the small coterie who have dominated the direction of the sport over the past twenty years. I believe there is a "silent generation" of Eventing professionals, most in their thirties or early forties, who are concerned with the current condition of the sport. In large part, these professionals have not actively participated in the governance of the sport or spoken up publicly, perhaps because they feel that their voices won't be heard or, worse, because they feel intimidated by the "old guard" at the top. Well, I have a message for that "silent generation": now is the time to speak up. I challenge all Eventing professionals to take a stand on this critical issue and get involved. It's now or never. I promise that your voices will be heard. And I also have a message for those who would block constructive change in the sport: Expect a fight. Neither I nor the USEA is going to stand idly by while our sport continues down this path.

Over the past several months, Darren Chiacchia has taken a leadership role in terms of looking at how we can modify our national level courses, particularly at preliminary and training, to better suit the majority of horses and riders competing at these levels. Through his position as chairman of the Professional Horsemen's Council, Darren worked with multiple USEA committees and spearheaded the development of a "white paper" on potential changes to cross-country courses that was presented to the Board of Governors in Colorado Springs. Included among the concepts discussed in the white paper were fewer technical questions, more forgiving jump faces, fewer combinations, more realistic optimal speeds and the like. I appointed Darren as the leader of a USEA task force charged with converting the ideas in the white paper into concrete rule-change proposals, to be submitted to the USEA Board of Governors and then forwarded on for action by the USEF Eventing Technical Committee (chaired by my fellow USEA Governor Malcolm Hook). During Darren's convalescence, I have asked Gina Miles, his close collaborator in developing the white paper, to move forward with the task force's work on an expedited basis. A number of other prominent figures in the sport, among them Kim Severson, have also volunteered to become actively involved in this effort. I, too, will work closely with this task force. I believe it is equally important that all segments of our membership forcefully express their views on the necessity of the types of changes being addressed by this task force. Please pass your thoughts on to me—I will forward them to Gina, Kim and the other members of the task force.

On a separate track, the USEA will immediately investigate avenues to work with veterinarians and equine research professionals to find ways to reduce the stressors on our horses and explore the mechanisms of equine cardiovascular failure. If it makes sense to do so, I will ask the USEA Board of Governors to commit funding to this effort. We reaffirm the USEA's commitment to ensuring the well-being of our equine partners as well as the safety of our riders.

As many of you are aware, the USEA Board will be conducting a strategic planning session in Leesburg, Virginia this coming Friday and Saturday. This will be a topic for the meeting and I will solicit additional input on ways to move forward quickly and positively with these initiatives.

Again, this is no time for fence-sitting. If you believe it is time to stand up for your sport, please make your voice heard and volunteer to be part of the solution. Please contact me at kbaumgardner@corrcronin.com or at (206) 621-1480.

A Sad Day For Equestrian Sports

2008-03-16T19:59:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, March 15, 2008, was a very sad day in the world of 3 Day Eventing.

Two horses were killed and a prominent rider critically injured on the cross country course of the Red Hills Horse Trials in Tallahassee, Florida.

The rider, Darren Chiaccia, sustained a closed head injury, several broken ribs, and lung contusions when his horse, Baron Verdi, flipped over a fence and landed on him. There was no way that Darren could have escaped his injury.

The horses,Leprechaun's Rowdy Boy and Direct Merger, both suffered freak occurrences that left them dead where they stood. Direct Merger suffered a heart attack after the 8th fence on the course, while Leprechaun's Rowdy Boy appears to have hit his head on one of the elements of a 4 fence combination, leading to convulsions and his demise.

I want to extend my deepest condolences to the families affected by this tragedy...

I also want to pose some questions -- but before I do that, I want to stress that I do not, in any way, blame the riders, the course designer Capt. Mark Phillips, the event organizers or anyone associated with this event. I especially don't blame the horses. We can assume that they died doing what they loved to do, and neither suffered.

I think that several things need to be addressed and talked over and thought through. I know that eventing has become a hugely popular sport and that more and more people are competing, but these accidents are happening more and more often. Why did we switch to the short format CCI? Why, even though we have the short format, are riders not conditioning their horses for the long format events? I feel that at least a few of these accidents can be prevented by fitness. What happened yesterday was a complete freak occurrence, and nothing could have prevented it, but sometimes these things can be prevented, and I feel like they should be if they can be. Another thing that I thing we need to think about is the questions that these courses are asking. Cross country courses these days are not just long galloping efforts with some big fences thrown in for variety (not that they have ever been at the highest levels of the sport, but bear with me....). Today's cross country courses are TRAPPY....and they have to be RIDDEN, every single stride. I don't know that a lot of riders are aware of that. Darren certainly was, and our top top riders certainly are, but a lot of the up and coming riders seemt to be buying horses who know their jobs and then depending on them to answer the questions while they sit up there and look pretty. (or not) Event horses have to think on their feet, yes, but they depend on their riders to tell them when things are okay and when they're not. I rode at an event barn for a few years as a child, and those horses were SMART, and they had a HUGE instinct for self preservation, but you know what? They still depended on their riders for guidance, and I think one of the issues with eventing today is that many people at the lower levels simply can't RIDE. (Now, I'm not trying to say that nobody who events can ride, and I'm not trying to say that only people at the upper levels can ride. Everyone has to start somewhere, but I think that people who event have to have the presence of mind to Have A Trainer and Use Their Trainer. Lots and Lots of accidents can be prevented if people just listen to someone who has their best interests at heart.) Today's courses are so technical and ask so many tough questions of both horses and riders that I think we need to really think about what we're perpetrating here. Do people HAVE to do this? No. But those who do I think really need to ask themselves if they're ready to be jumping/showing at the level that they are. There is No harm in staying at a lower level until you're Ready to move up. That's why I think that people need to have trainers and Listen to Their Trainers.

I know that's not going to solve the problem. And I know that even if someone has a trainer, they won't necessarily listen to what that trainer has to say anyway... but we can hope.

Eventing is a dangerous sport. But it shouldn't have to be deadly.

Just my $.02

Fly free Rowdy and Direct Merger, may you run and jump pain free.

Killing Time

2008-03-07T15:30:00.002-06:00

Classes were cancelled today, as I suspected they would be. It's actually somewhat amusing because the current temperature is 46 degrees F, and probably 80% of the snow is gone, leaving us with huge expanses of my favorite thing, Mud. (If you had a greyhound that liked to go and run around in the mud and then run INSIDE to your bed, mud would be YOUR favorite thing, too.) All venting about mud aside, it's been a pretty relaxing day, all in all. I finally got caught up on all the email that I hadn't read yet from being gone last weekend, and a few in my inbox that I had saved to read later, which is really nice. Livvy and I are getting ready to go see The Other Boelyn Girl and have a bit of a date, and then we'll come home and I'll try to get a tad of studying done for next week -- I have to get started on the literature review for our group project in Toxicology, and I have 3 tests next week, one of which is a Practical in Micro Lab. Fortunately I'm not really behind, but I do have quite a bit of reading to do.

So what am I doing? Why, BLOGGING of course! That's the BEST way to not get things done!

Alright, off to the movies!

I'm sure I'll have a better update later.

SNOW!

2008-03-06T16:15:00.003-06:00

Alright, this is North Texas! Who turned on the snow machine?!

Since 12:00 PM, we've had 7" of snow, and it's not showing any signs of letting up. It's BEAUTIFUL -- and I always love snow because it's so silent and crinkly when it's falling.

I took a few pix -- Mostly of things just outside the windows, since I didn't want to get my camera wet, but here they are. :)

A Silly Science Comic for you Nerds out there.

2008-02-22T09:12:00.002-06:00

So if anyone needs to know what a Poisson Distribution is, just leave it in the comments and I'll explain it.

Comic from xkcd

Another Small Setback

2008-02-19T17:47:00.003-06:00

Well.... No eggs again today. One pair had some eggs, but they looked really bad -- more than 75% of them were necrotic, and the whole batch was laid in chains, which is a sign of un-viability. Poo.

The other pair didn't have ANY eggs. At all. They weren't even in amplexus when we pulled them out of the incubator.

SOoooooOOO.... Looks like we'll probably try again next week, while I try to come up with some theories as to why they're not doing their thing.

Anybody got a frog sized iPod so i can make them some "gettin it on" music?

Your Weekly Reptile

2008-02-17T18:07:00.002-06:00

This week's reptile is the Satanic Leaftail Gecko (Uroplatus phantasticus)

The image is from wildmadagascar.org

A LOL Cat for Today

2008-02-14T21:49:00.002-06:00

Because it's Valentine's Day and I don't have much to report.

So here's a Kitty.

Image Credit: ICanHasCheezburger.com

Darn!

2008-02-12T12:45:00.000-06:00

I injected my frogs for the first time yesterday evening... This morning both pairs had spawned, but we had no viable eggs.

Darn.

That's research for ya!

The Return of Your Weekly Reptile!!!

2008-02-10T14:45:00.000-06:00

Yay!

I've actually really missed doing this -- I love to share my love of all things scaly with you guys!

This week's reptile is something I've been thinking a lot about lately, and it's very near and dear to my heart.

This week's reptile is:

The Green Sea Turtle (Chelonia mydas)

(Image from here)

2008-02-07T15:05:00.000-06:00

Just a little update until I come up with something pithy and amusing to post....

Had a micro exam today, which really wasn't as bad as we all thought it would be. I'm sure I did well on it; I hope my friends also did well...

I'm halfway looking for a microscope... I think it would be useful to have my own, but I also know that they're SUPER expensive. So it would definitely have to wait until next semester unless my mom can find me one. This is certainly not a HAVE TO HAVE kind of thing, but I think it would be nice. I'd like to get a dissecting scope as well, but again, huge chunk of change that I simply don't have at the moment.

I guess that's all for now; hopefully I will have more to say a bit later. I'm just exhausted tonight.

How to Save a Life

2008-01-29T20:50:00.000-06:00

This is Argus.

Argus is a 16 year old Thoroughbred who spent all of his life in a tiny pen, until December of 2007, when he was rescued.

Now Argus is living in horse paradise, at Watermark Farm.

His story is located here, and it is heartrending.

I wanted to post this today so that those of you who followed me here from the old blog could read about Argus and think about a few things...

Think about your own pets, and think about the times that you could have done something but didn't.

Argus's story so far is amazing. He is an incredibly intelligent, perceptive being, and he deserves a forever home where he will be cherished.

Excitement!

2008-01-28T17:44:00.001-06:00

I met with my Faculty Mentor today regarding my research.... It looks like things are finally almost ready to get started! I met the graduate student who is going to teach me to run the development assay that I'll be doing this semester, and it looks like my field component is being arranged. My first task in that respect is to do a search and find out which types of anurans live in the Bosque watershed. I already know that Woodhouse's Toads (Bufo woodhousei) are native, as I had a colony of them living under my house last spring when we got over 30" of rain in a month. Other than that, I'll have to go and look them up.

These are the guys I'll be working with, African Clawed Frogs (Xenopus spp.). I've always thought they were super neat -- especially the albino ones. I'm hoping to be able to get a couple to keep at home, just so i can watch them and learn more about them besides how toxicants affect their development.

I also found out that I'll be presenting my research at a huge national conference in november. I'm especially excited about this, because my mentor says that there are always people there who work with invasive species, so it will be a great place for me to make contacts for my graduate work.

I'm really excited about all of this. My mentor also said that he figures I can get at least two papers out of this research, which is wonderful. I'm hoping everything goes as planned so that I am able to get as much out of my research as possible.

An Update

2008-01-26T16:57:00.000-06:00

Hi.

You're probably wondering where I've been for the last several months. (And even if you're not, i'm going to tell you anyway, so shut up and listen! *wink*)

Last semester was horrible for me as far as business.... I was in school and/or working all the time -- Yes, i COULD have blogged from the work computer, but unfortunately i'm a tutor, and they expect me to ...well... WORK when I'm at work -- Who Knew?? (we're not really busy until the second half of the semester, but then we're SLAMMED) Then I found out that I was the recipient of a humungous major scholarship which will allow me do to intensive undergraduate research in preparation for a PhD program, so all the signing up and paperwork from that took up a lot of my time. And keep in mind that during all of this, I had no internet at home, so I couldn't do any computer stuff away from school. And then it was finals, and then christmas break, and now it's the beginning of the semester, and so I am going to make yet another attempt at keeping a consistent blog.

THEN ... i had to get a new computer. And we finally have super fast home internet (thank you, Verizon!!) Which is a good thing -- a VERY good thing, since I finally got my mac! So here I am, back and blogging, at least for the moment. I will attempt to think of pithy and witty things to say, but I can't guarantee that I will be even marginally successful at this venture.

So hopefully Apoptosis will work a bit better now. I missed my blog!

New Blog Home

2008-01-26T13:26:00.001-06:00

Hello and welcome to the new home of my blog! Some of you have probably been reading me since I was on livejournal, or when I was hosted at a friend's domain. You may have even followed me here from MySpace, which is greatly appreciated.

The blog itself won't change that much, I promise, but I will definitely attempt to keep it updated more often. This may or may not happen, but I will do my best.

I will continue with the "Your Monday Reptile" and "Your Biology Definition of the Week" segments as I am able, as well as posting the random content which you have come to know and love. :)

I also intend to post about my other weird hobbies, my research, etc.

Hopefully I haven't bored you all to death and nobody has followed me here to blogspot....

More Later!
J

TDG Apoptosis

The Ressurection of TDG Apoptosis Blog!

Updates Forthcoming

Songs for a Day

Today Has Songs

Today Has Songs!

Today Has Songs ... and a little content..

We're Not Letting This Go...

Today Has Songs!

Today Has Songs

Today Has Songs

Today Has Songs....

Today Has Songs....

Today Has Songs

ZOMG! CUTE!!

A Blog Post With CONTENT?! You HAVE to be kidding...

Today Has Songs

Today Has Songs

Today Has Songs

Today Has Songs!

The Soundtrack of My Life

Today Has Songs

Today has Songs

Today Has Songs

Today Has Songs!

Of Vultures and Prognostication

Today Has Songs

I have only one thing to say about this...

In the Darkening of the Year

Today Has Songs!

Today Has Songs!

Today has a very important song....

Today Has Songs!

All that is Wrong with American Universities...

Today Has Songs!

*Squee*

The Economy, Grad Student Style

Space on a Log Scale

Pet Peeve

First Two Days Of School

Proof by Mathematical Induction that Gary is a Douchebag.

Bizarre Foods that I Have Eaten Meme

Today has a Song

Today Has Quotes :)

Know what Sucks?

Why I Love XKCD

I Have Regained my Title!!

Today Has Songs!

Letter to A Friend

The Truest Thing I've Heard All Year.

Godspeed, Teddy....

Run Free Eight Belles

Cult Fiction

Rolex Kentucky

Friday Randomness

Random Things Meme (From Livvy)

A Letter from the President of the USEA

A Sad Day For Equestrian Sports

Killing Time

SNOW!

A Silly Science Comic for you Nerds out there.

Another Small Setback

Your Weekly Reptile

A LOL Cat for Today

Darn!

The Return of Your Weekly Reptile!!!

How to Save a Life

Excitement!

An Update

New Blog Home

Squee