The Ressurection of TDG Apoptosis Blog!

Wow... It's been quite some time since I've updated here.  That's because life, of course, has a way of getting in the way of things like blogging.  So, let's see... There have been lots of happenings, most of which have kept me from meeting my goals, but things have continued to progress, albeit slowly.

The first major update is that I've finally graduated with my BS in Biology!  I finished my coursework in May, but didn't graduate until August because of a financial aid snafu.  BUT, i'm DONE! Finally! 

I also managed to get all my stuff in for grad school, though I had an issue getting the professor i've worked with for the last 4 years to even answer an email.  I literally didn't hear from him for the entire summer.  We spoke the week before spring finals, but despite repeated emails, I never got in touch with him regarding grad school OR finishing my research.  So that means I haven't been published yet, but more importantly, it meant that I had to scramble to find another major professor literally 2 days before school started.  It ended up working out, and I've got a project that I think will be really really interesting, but it was SO stressful.

So i ended up being able to register the DAY before school started.  I had already lined up my usual job as a Supplemental Instructor for freshman bio, so i wasn't TOO worried about funding, but i had a TA position literally dropped into my lap thanks to the quick response of my new major professor. And that's great because it includes a stipend that's more than i've made in many years, as well as medical insurance and vision insurance.  This is SOOOO good! At least i won't have to worry if something happens and i need to go to the doctor.  I don't think i can add livvy though, because it's Blue Cross insurance, and i think they don't cover partners.  I'll definitely have to look it up. 

Other good things -- I love my classes so far, i have an actual office! I FINALLY have keys to my building, which is great -- I've been trying to get keys to that building for four years, and now all i had to do was sign the key requisition form. My new major professor made sure I have everything i need and i have only been in his lab and research group, literally, since Monday.  I didn't expect that at all.

Other stressful things -- my financial aid hasn't shown up yet.  It's pending, and i'll get a significant refund, but it hasn't disbursed, and I have bills coming up next week that include rent.  When i asked them over at the finaid office, they said it could come any time in the next two weeks, so i'm a little nervous.  I can't even buy books right now because i have, quite literally, $1 in my checking account and $7 in cash.  My two seminar courses will be fine, because they put the articles we need to read up online before class, but my two lecture courses both have textbooks that i need.  I've sent out emails to see if i can borrow the texts for now, and i know I'll be able to get the books, but i'm SO not used to starting school without even money to buy pens and notebooks. It puts me in a precarious place mentally.  The other thing that's kinda stressful is that the course i'm TAing is one that I didn't do terribly well in (I got a B), and since it's my first time TAing, I have to attend an earlier section of the class to watch an experienced TA teach it.  I have teaching experience, so that doesn't intimidate me; i'm just worried about reviewing the concepts.  I'm sure i'll be fine, but it's just a little nerve wracking right now.  The last thing that's stressing me out is that I will probably have to quite suddenly leave my previous job because the grad school is in charge of the TA positions now and the department thinks that working at another hourly position is a conflict of interest. At least, that's what we're assuming for now.  I haven't heard back from the department yet.

SO.  All in all though, I'm really excited.  I actually get to do a conservation project!! And I'll be working with people who seem really excited to have me on their team. I think everything will work itself out -- everything fell into place so neatly that it will be fine. I am optimistic!

Updates Forthcoming

Hello to my few readers!

I still have no home internet, which makes blogging next to impossible.  HOWEVER, be looking for an update post in the fairly near future!  (As soon as i get a chance in between school projects).

Sorry it's been so long, things have been utterly insane!

Songs for a Day

Life After You

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know

Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wastin' my time

Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do, yeah

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through, yeah
Know there's no life after you

Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you
Know there's no life after you, yeah

--Daughtry

Set The Fire To The Third Bar
(feat. Martha Wainwright)

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

-- Snow Patrol


Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call  but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I just need you now.

Oh baby I need you now.

-- Lady Antebellum

Hey Soul Sister

Your lipstick stains
on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget ya, and so I went and let you blow my mind.

Your sweet moon-beam
the smell of you in every single dream I dream.
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided, who's one of my kind.

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight.

Just in time,
I´m so glad you have a one-track mind like me.
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection, we can't deny...

I´m so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest.
I believe in you, like a virgin you're Madonna,
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind...

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight,

Way you can cut a rug,
Watching you's the only drug I need.
So gangster, I'm so thug,
You're the only one I'm dreaming of you see.
I can be myself now finally,
In fact there's nothing I can't be,
I want the world to see you be, with me,

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight...

Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight.

--Train

Today Has Songs

Black Balloon

Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you're not thinking about tomorrow
'Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees

A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon
That was your womb

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer

You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallowed the light from the sun
Inside your room

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer

And there's no time left for losin'
When you stand they fall

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder

All because I'm
Comin' down the years turn over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go and lead you home and
All because I'm
All because I'm
And I'll become
What you became to me

--Goo Goo Dolls

Ghost

Lately I’ve been thinking
Lately I’ve been dreaming with you
I'm so resistant to this type of thinking
Oh, now it’s shining through
I was alone for the last time
Before my night’s vacation with you
Alive from the first
Now I’m denied by the ghost of you

You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me
Please

I know there’s little use in crying
It’s more wide awake and dying then I'm used to
I thought we’d walk these streets together
Now I’m hoping that I’ll never have to meet you
Step aside from all this anger
And somewhere in between I can feel you
Ask me should we try again
I’m thinking no
Y’know, it’s not what I believe in
It’s not what I believe in

You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me
Please
You make yourself a photograph and laugh at me
Please

No I, wanna taste you, love
no I...no I
no I, just wanna taste you, love

Standing in your shoes
I turn and now
You’re standing bare in my doorway
I only wish that I had been prepared
I’m gonna have to go along with your way
Just take the plastic camera out
It’s the pants you borrowed in the driveway
Alive from the first
Now I’m denied by the ghost of you

Make yourself a photograph and laugh at me
Please
You make yourself a photograph and laugh at me
Please

No I, wanna taste of love
No I...

I was alive from the first
now I’m denied by the ghost of you

--Howie Day

Make This Go On Forever

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I Keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

--Snow Patrol

Today Has Songs!

Something Pretty

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

-- Patrick Park

Out Is Through

Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable and I know

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked on toweling throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're still made of final bowing

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The tendency is picturing another place comforting to go and I know

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our hands in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start over again
With somebody else

Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
What formerly was treatment silent's now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you what I want most feels good and I know

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

--Alanis Morisette

A Sorta Fairytale

On my way up north
Up on the Ventura
I pulled back the hood
And I was talking to you
And I knew then it would be
A life long thing
But I didn't know that we
We could break a silver lining

And Im so sad
Like a good book
I cant put this
Day back
A sorta fairytale
With you
A sorta fairytale
With you

Things you said that day
Up on the 101
The girl had come undone
I tried to downplay it
With a bet about us
You said that-
You'd take it
As long as I could
I could not erase it

And I'm so sad
Like a good book
I cant put this
Day back
A sorta fairytale
With you
A sorta fairytale
With you

And I ride along side
And I rode along side
You then
And I rode along side
Till you lost me there
In the open road
And I rode along side
Till the honey spread
Itself so thin
For me to break your bread
For me to take your word
I had to steal it

And I'm so sad
Like a good book
I cant put this
Day back
A sorta fairytale
With you
A sorta fairytale
With you

I could pick back up
Whenever I feel

Down New Mexico way
Something about
The open road
I knew that he was
Looking for some indian blood and
Find a little in you find a little
In me we may be
On this road but
We're just
Imposters
In this country you know
So we go along and we said
We'd fake it
Feel better with
Oliver stone
Till I
Almost smacked him -
Seemed right that night and
I don't know what
Takes hold
Out there in the
Desert cold
These guys think they must
Try and just get over on us

And I'm so sad
Like a good book
I can't put this
Day back
A sorta fairytale
With you
A sorta fairytale
With you

And I was ridin' by
Ridin' along side
For a while till you lost me
And I was ridin' by
Ridin' along till you lost me
Till you lost
Me in
The rear
View
You lost me
I said

Way up north I took my day
All in all was a pretty nice
Day and I put the hood
Right back where
You could taste heaven
Perfectly
Feel out the summer breeze
Didn't know when we'd be back
And I i don't
Didn't think
We'd end up like
Like this

--Tori Amos

Today Has Songs ... and a little content..

What an interesting last few weeks! I had a wonderful birthday... 30 doesn't really feel any different than 29 did, but hell, it's a milestone, right? I just want to thank all the people in my life for being there and being my friends. I love all of you.

Sweet The Sting

With a Strut into the room
With his hat cocked so defiantly he said
"I - I have heard that you can
Play the way I like it to be played."
I said, "I can play, any way that you want.
But first I want, I want to know

Baby is it sweet sweet
Sweet the sting
Is it real this infusion
Can it heal where others before have failed?
If so then somebody
Shake shake shake me sane
'cause I am inching ever closer to the tip of this scorpion's tail"

He said "I laid my weapons
down with my pistol
Fully loaded, a hunted man
To my root, will it end
Or begin in your cinnabar juice?"

Is it sweet sweet
Sweet the sting
Is it real this infusion
Can it heal where others before have failed?
If so then somebody
Shake shake shake me sane
'cause I am inching ever closer to the tip of this scorpion's tail"

Love let me breathe
Breathe you in
Melt the confusion
Until there is
Union...

-Tori Amos

You're All I Have

Strain This Chaos Turn It Into Light
I've Got To See You One Last Night
Before The Lions Take Their Share
Leave Us In Pieces, Scattered Everywhere

Just Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Just Give Me Something To Hold Onto

It's So Clear Now
That You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear Cos
You Are All That I Have
It's So Clear Now That
You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear Cos
You Are All That I Have

You're Cinematic Razor Sharp
A Welcome Arrow Through The Heart
Under Your Skin Feels Like Home
Electric Shocks On Aching Bones

Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Just Give Me Something To Hold Onto

It's So Clear Now
That You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear
Cos You Are All That I Have
It's So Clear Now
That You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear
Cos You Are All That I Have

There Is A Darkness Deep In You
A Frightening Magic I Cling To

Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Give Me A Chance To Hold On
Just Give Me Something To Hold Onto

It's So Clear Now
That You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear
Now You Are All That I Have
It's So Clear Now
That You Are All That I Have
I Have No Fear Now
You Are All That I Have

--Snow Patrol


Wonderland

Take a piece of the sky
Make it rain cherry wine
Give her love give her life
Give her mine

She's a child young and willing
In a world that's unforgiving
That in time takes all the living
From your soul

I stand in the night with a silver sword
Killing her demons, beating 'em off her door
Sleep baby don't you cry
Daddy's got a worn-out lullaby
And I live forever dark, and damned
To see you spend one minute
In wonderland

She can run free forever
Still our blood runs us together
I'll be there if she runs home
For worse or better

I know you like Adam knew Eve
Every tear you cry is a tear that I will bleed
Sleep baby don't you cry
Daddy's got a worn-out lullaby
And I live forever dark, and damned
To see you spend one minute
In wonderland

--Angie Aparo